Welcome to Love, Sex & Intimacy!
Jane talks about ‘Exploring Sex Play’ with accompanying slides to download! I read a great deal as I was growing up and books often portray ideals rather than reality. Even as a teenager, I had questions about sex. When I had intercourse for the first time, at the age of eighteen, I already knew what
Women substitute sexual behaviours for responsiveness
Many people are outraged by the suggestion that anyone might misrepresent women’s sexuality or exaggerate female responsiveness. Yet in other areas of the human experience, adults tell lies or bend the truth all the time. Human beings are often more concerned with impressing or influencing others than with any principle as prosaic as the truth.
The function of foreplay is to assist with female arousal
Men are proactive lovers because of their arousal. Men enjoy exploring women’s bodies because it is arousing for them. Foreplay existed well before any knowledge of the clitoris. A woman allows a man to stimulate her to the boundaries of her sense of propriety. I was just as passive with a lover as any other
Many men prefer intercourse and never offer any foreplay
The men with the highest overall orgasm frequencies throughout their lives are the less educated (those who are not educated beyond high school).[i] Some men focus on enjoying their own responsiveness rather than a lover’s arousal. Their self-absorption makes them relatively oblivious to a lover’s perspective, who is relieved of any need to exaggerate her
Intercourse stimulates only the penetrator’s sex organ
Men, both gay and straight, can enjoy the intensely pleasurable sensations of anal penetration, when combined with appropriate lubrication and a sensitive lover. But usually male orgasm still relies on penile stimulation. [i] To be capable of penetration the penis must be erect, so a man must be aroused. But the receiver of intercourse never
Women are proactive lovers due to their own arousal
We often hear sex educators blaming men for ignoring women’s presumed sexual needs. But why are women so incapable of obtaining their own sexual satisfaction? Why are men responsible for defining women’s pleasure? In porn we see women pleasuring a lover and, in turn, being pleasured. The pleasuring appears to be mutual. But while male
Some men hope that sexual pleasuring can be mutual
Society often implies that sex (like smoking and drinking) is a sign of maturity and worldliness. Films portray prostitutes as beautiful and classy young women offering a variety of sexual pleasuring techniques. Sadly, the run-of-the-mill prostitute does not provide ‘dinner with a show’. [i] She feels no obligation to fake her presumed pleasure in return
Confusion over anatomy only arises with a male lover
Men’s orgasm techniques are consistent regardless of sexual orientation. Once his mind is triggered by a turn-on, a man stimulates his penis whether he engages in masturbation, oral sex or intercourse. Only the anatomy of their lover dictates whether men engage in vaginal or anal intercourse. Women’s orgasm techniques are much less consistent. Notably, behaviours
Women are constantly aroused and orgasmic with a lover
People are amazed when I question the orgasms actresses are portrayed as having in pornography. They cannot believe that anyone would doubt the fiction. Yet porn is clearly a male masturbation tool. Pornography involves portraying male fantasies that help men reach orgasm when they masturbate alone. Nevertheless, sexologists seem to think that porn is a
The conscious and subconscious components of sexuality
Human sexuality has biological, emotional and intellectual components. The biological aspects are innate (we are born that way) and beyond our conscious control. Males of all species have a direct instinct to mate that females do not have. Women need to be persuaded to accept intercourse. For both sexes there is a huge range in
The sexual anatomy involved in heterosexual intercourse
Men always approach sexual activity and orgasm with a focus on the penis: whether through intercourse, fellatio or masturbation. There is no debate over the male anatomy involved in orgasm because men are easily aroused. Misconception #3: Because of the male experience, it is incorrectly assumed that orgasm is a vital aspect of female sexuality.
Women orgasm from clitoral stimulation (cunnilingus)
Sexologists assume (as we all do) that women should orgasm in all the same scenarios that men do. These are (1) masturbation alone (the female anatomy and stimulation technique are never specified) (2) vaginal intercourse (3) manual stimulation of the clitoral glans with a lover (by herself or her lover) and (4) cunnilingus (oral stimulation
Heterosexual relationships involve mismatched sex drives
Men are naturally responsive. So no man should feel inadequate about ejaculating quickly. [i] Men accept the misconception that women might be able to orgasm through intercourse if stimulated long enough because they want to prolong their own enjoyment of intercourse. Any sense of inadequacy over male speeds to orgasm could be easily overcome if
Most women prefer implicit explanations for their orgasms
A few women claim fantastic orgasmic feats, such as multiple orgasms. But orgasm ends sexual activity so these are, at best, just peaks of arousal. Many of these cases have more in common with a nervous disorder or some kind of nervous fit than a sexual release. If someone experiences orgasm like the ticking of
Women orgasm from vaginal stimulation (intercourse)
Kinsey explained that the vagina evolved from primitive egg ducts, which lack any sensitivity (in common with other internal organs of the body). The vagina is the result of glands that develop in the female foetus but not in the male. Just as the male glands (including the prostate) develop in the male foetus but
Masturbation and fantasy require a creative imagination
Masturbation is least common among less educated males (89%). More men who are high school educated (95%) and who are college educated (96%) are involved in masturbation for at least some period of their lives. There are two suggestions for why college boys masturbate more than less-educated boys. The first is that college girls are
Women’s sexuality includes providing male erotic turn-ons
The intense focus on women’s bodies means that girls as young as five aspire to the sexual attributes and wardrobe of a Barbie doll. Teenage girls starve themselves and few women are willing to appear in public without wearing make-up, provocative lingerie and without waxing their legs. It is reassuring to be admired by a
Women can masturbate themselves to orgasm with a lover
Pornography shows women masturbating (or being masturbated by a lover). This self-stimulation by fingering around their glans never ends in orgasm. Women are shown continuing to engage in sexual activity after masturbating so orgasm is clearly not their goal. Despite the publication of Hite’s findings that women are more successful with orgasm alone, heterosexuals continue
Boys who are adolescent first have the highest sex drive
For practical purposes male adolescence is assumed to coincide with a boy’s first ejaculation. Boys who become adolescent first (before 12 years of age) often have the highest orgasm frequencies throughout their lives.[i] Statistics can be misleading. For example, men are taller than women on average but some women are taller than many men. Similarly
Men pressure women to provide a response to intercourse
Only women are ever described as frigid (meaning cold or unloving). An unenthusiastic lover is a turn-off and causes a man to feel unappreciated. [i] Even today so-called female sexual dysfunction continues to be defined in terms of a woman’s ability, or her willingness, to cooperate with intercourse rather than in terms of her ability
Women masturbate as commonly and as frequently as men
Most men masturbate at least when they are adolescent so they assume that women must have a similar experience. Men never seem to notice that women do not welcome images of male genitals nor are they willing to watch portrayals of sexual activity. Women never refer to the erotic turn-ons that might cause their arousal
Contact Jane Thomas
Please connect with me on Twitter, ResearchGate, LinkedIn, Facebook, Mastodon and Instagram! Take a look at my books and watch my videos . You can also contact me directly by email! I grew up with an interest in science. I wasn’t especially good at it but the concepts fascinated me. One of the issues that
Age is the foremost factor affecting male responsiveness
Factors that affect men’s orgasm frequencies include their age, the age at which they reached adolescence as well as their level of education. Age is far and away the most significant factor in male sexual performance. [i] Men are most sexually active in late adolescence. Thereafter their responsiveness declines very gradually. A significant upside to
Women are not spontaneously aroused as men tend to be
Men are easily aroused because their minds frequently focus on sexual opportunities. Nudity (especially a genital display) triggers the male brain to anticipate a potential opportunity for intercourse. Women are not mentally aroused with a lover so they do not respond to physical stimulation.[i] Misconception #2: Because of the male experience, it is incorrectly assumed
Women are driven to engage in intercourse just as men are
Men have a drive to obtain intercourse that we see throughout Nature. We observe the male of the species being motivated to mate with a female. In an attempt to establish political equality, feminists assert that women have a sex drive to engage in activity that potentially impregnates them. Libido encapsulates the idea that women
We all carry the potential to be homosexual in our genes
Women typically get on well with homosexual men. Gay men often have the social skills that women appreciate but straight men tend to lack. Homophobia is largely down a certain kind of heterosexual man, who disrespects men (and women) for being on the receiving end of penetrative sex. Modern films often make references to the
Women assume that they should orgasm with a lover
Prostitutes are more sexually experienced than most women. Yet even they admit that they do not orgasm with clients[i]. A woman who claims to orgasm with a lover is either interpreting orgasm in emotional terms or she is using orgasm as a reward for her lover’s commitment to the relationship. Faking represents an implicit cooperation
Women experience arousal and orgasm as easily as men do
Kinsey noted that women who could masturbate to orgasm said they also had orgasms with a lover. This is contrary to my experience. I wonder whether women who think that they orgasm with a lover (which is quite impossible) also think that they orgasm when masturbating because they assume that almost any stimulation causes orgasm
The symbiotic relationship between men and women
When living in an environment devoid of sexual stimuli (such as one without women) most men cease all forms of sexual activity. For example, the arousal cycle of men, who are locked up in prison with no access to any kind of visual media (magazines, television and internet), grinds to a halt. This illustrates an
Women only need to be amenable to offering intercourse
Samples based on volunteers will always attract people whose sexual (or political) motivation is well above the average for the general population. Women, who divulge their sexual histories, are either confident that orgasm is not possible with a lover or they are pleased to display their sexual prowess by claiming experiences that are considered normal
Women respond to real-world erotic triggers as men do
Men are aroused by nudity and sexual opportunities, so it is assumed that women are too. The fact that pornography is censored in every society is ignored. No one seems to notice that women do not ogle anyone’s genitals. Women consider genitals to be ugly and smelly parts of the body. My own experience is
The male arousal cycle from erection to ejaculation
Sensations of fear, apprehension, shock or surprise all give rise to nervous system responses that have characteristics in common with arousal. Some young boys initially orgasm in response to many of these kinds of stimuli. But over time adolescent boys come to associate their arousal with psychological stimuli (erotic turn-ons) that are explicitly sexual. They
Women take on all the key disadvantages of intercourse
Research indicates that men are sexually active throughout their lives regardless of whether they are in a relationship. Women in relationships, in addition to never or rarely masturbating, only engage in sexual activity that is initiated by their partner. For the population as a whole, single women do not have intercourse as often or with
Women have the exact same sexual needs that men have
Sex research appears to indicate that many women orgasm both alone and with a lover. But all of this research is flawed because there is no agreement on what physical and mental stimuli cause women to experience orgasm. Erotic fiction shows women apparently having orgasms from whatever stimulation their lovers choose to provide. So while
Male adolescence: differentiating orgasm from ejaculation
For sexually precocious boys, half have an orgasm by the age of 7 and two-thirds by the age of 12. But until they start ejaculating, such orgasms are one-offs or sporadic. Most boys (90%) ejaculate for the first time between the ages of 11 and 15. The average white male has his first orgasm that
Our biological motivation to engage in vaginal intercourse
In the animal world (especially mammals) the male initiates mating. The male drive is evidenced by the behaviour of fighting over mating rights. There is not the same precedent for women’s sex drive because there is no evidence to indicate that female mammals achieve orgasm as a result of mating (or at any other time).
Identifying the erroneous assumptions about sexuality
We tend to assume (on the basis of erotic fiction) that women in real life: Have the exact same sexual needs that men have; Respond to real-world erotic triggers as men do; Experience arousal and orgasm as easily as men do; Are driven to engage in intercourse just as men are; Masturbate as commonly and
Understanding men’s sexual and emotional needs
Male masturbation frequencies [i] vary significantly, indicating not only a range in responsiveness, but also the different conscious choices men make over how they enjoy their arousal cycle from erection to ejaculation. Sex is emotional for men because it connects them with lovers, family and society. Male mammals are often solitary creatures. They interact with
Reproduction: the role of heterosexual intercourse
Despite the contrary research findings, society still promotes the idea that women orgasm from intercourse. Shere Hite’s research gave inconclusive results [i] when she asked women how they achieve orgasm. Around half of her sample of women said they never or rarely orgasm from intercourse. An even split hardly lends authority to women’s views either
An evidence-based approach to researching sexuality
I am documenting my research approach, which is different to that taken by other researchers. I have not had a budget, colleagues or the support of an academic institution to engage in the kind of research that has been done in the past. My sex research is based on a much more basic assumption. I
Sex information must explain real women’s behaviours
The young tend to be the most sexually active. So mature couples with decades of experience often assume that young people know more about sex than they do. In turn each generation rejects the wisdom of its elders. The sex researchers’ findings have been so contentious that their work is simply ignored. So today we
Female sexuality – a more realistic perspective
Slides summarising ‘Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses’. Humans have sex in order to reproduce, to enjoy sensual or erotic pleasure and to form the emotional bonds that support family life over decades. Reproduction is the prime purpose of sex. So sex is presented in terms of intercourse, in which female orgasm plays no role, but
Sexologists need to challenge what they are told
On an on-going basis, I ask sexologists, medical professionals, sex workers, gay men, lesbians, heterosexuals and anyone else, who might be assumed to be interested in the topic, to comment on my articles and quotes. Very few people comment, especially women. Some women get angry and defensive but they have nothing constructive to say. Some
Sexology should present research not popular beliefs
Why is sexual pleasure taboo? Probably because of the associated exploitation (of women by men) and deceit (perpetrated by women on men). [i] Few people appear to be capable of appreciating objective sex information. The taboo involved in talking about sex means that most people prefer to say nothing. Political correctness prevents sexologists from questioning
Women deserve an unbiased account of their sexuality
We have appallingly bad sex information today because those who are reassured by mysticism far outnumber those swayed by any facts or logic[i]. Surveys assume that every woman is an authority on orgasm regardless of the credibility of her explanations. Rather than apply common sense and logic to women’s orgasm claims, researchers accept them unquestioningly.
Women may use behaviours to provide turn-ons for a lover
My first boyfriend was more than 6 years older than me. I was a virgin and he had plenty of sexual experience from one-night stands and also from longer-term relationships with women. It was natural that the first time we had intercourse, he was proactive in leading the activity. I just waited for something to
Techniques for getting the most out of anal intercourse
Few homosexual men orgasm solely from penetration. The penis is always involved. The anus and the entrance (vestibule) to the vagina have some sensitivity. But the internal organs (vagina and rectum) are much less sensitive. [i] So the kind of stimulation that might lead to female physical arousal includes anal intercourse or using the fingers
The clitoris is stimulated up until climax but no longer
Men’s focus on the vagina [i] is natural given their sex drive (to impregnate a female). To experience orgasm, a woman needs a lover who understands the anatomy involved in female orgasm. This includes the clitoris, the labia and the entrance to the vagina. Lesbians share the same anatomy as their lovers so they may
Some men want a lover to provide a response to intercourse
The basic male sexual function is instinctive. It is satisfied relatively easily by intercourse. Kinsey concluded that the vast majority of men (including the less educated) use intercourse as a quick (biological and functional) means of sexual release. They do not look for a response (erotic or emotional) from a lover. They do not need
Sexual pleasuring techniques a man may enjoy
A woman who lies fairly inert during sexual pleasuring, communicates a lack of cooperation and causes a man to feel sexually unappreciated. Both social and sexual interaction rely on the active interest of the participants. In women’s eyes men can seem impossible to please. But men wonder why women do not provide them with the
Women mature sexually much later than men tend to
Women mature sexually much later than men do so a young woman [i] is very unlikely to discover orgasm with a lover. Over time a woman’s body may respond to being stimulated by a lover and her mind may respond to the more subconscious erotic turn-ons associated with sexual activity. Women are not spontaneously aroused
Women offer sex as an emotional bonding mechanism
A woman may believe that she has orgasms with her lover. But if she is unwilling to have the same experience with an attractive stranger, it is the relationship rather than the act itself that is giving her pleasure. Her pleasure derives from the emotional significance of the act within the relationship she has with
Sexual pleasuring techniques a woman may enjoy
There are no female equivalents to the turn-ons that motivate men sexually. [i] Women often prefer intercourse in the dark and they do not enjoy observing their own genitals. The visual impact of her own and a lover’s genitalia can even detract from a woman’s enjoyment of sexual pleasuring. This is because a woman prefers
Women do not experience easy erotic arousal with a lover
Lesbians have the advantage (as women) of having a similar responsiveness as their lovers. Also being women, they are not so intent on genital stimulation, penetration and orgasm. A woman does not need a partner to respond to stimulation as some men do. Lesbians can be more relaxed about exploring sexual pleasuring without any pressure
For women, sexual attraction does not include erotic arousal
Women are attractive to men because their bodies cause intense male arousal. Women are attracted to other women because female bodies are more sensual and less overtly sexual than male bodies. Men are attractive to other men because of their easy arousal. Heterosexual women respond to men’s desire for penetrative sex to please their lover
Bringing variety of situation and technique to intercourse
Although intercourse provides little internal sensation, a woman feels some external pressure. When a man thrusts deeply [i] the base of his penis may thump or brush against her vulva (the clitoris and labia) and perineum (towards the anus). She may enjoy the eroticism of being dominated (from the whole-body contact and his weight) and
Women’s ability to engage in sex is not limited by orgasm
Female orgasm is not easy and to suggest otherwise trivialises the effort women’s partners make to arouse them. Women respond to please a lover. [i] This does not make them doormats. Women have other emotional and pecuniary needs. But sexual relationships would simply not as they do function if women were as egotistical as it
Responsive women use surreal fantasy to generate arousal
Before I started my research, I hadn’t appreciated that my experience was so unusual. Reading Hite’s work in my early twenties, reassured me that I was not alone. Both Kinsey and Hite documented many women who knew that orgasm is rarely possible with a lover. But in many years of talking about sex on the
Women’s need for affection drives regular relationship sex
While women often fail to appreciate the importance men place on eroticism, men seldom appreciate the importance women place on affection. Sex is so much more rewarding for women when they feel affection for their lover. In the early days, a man is more motivated to show his appreciation for a lover by being affectionate.
Women have sex for emotional (rather than erotic) reasons
Sexual phenomena, such as arousal and orgasm, rely on explicitly adult themes. Anyone, who assumes these phenomena only occur in a relationship [i] with one person, is mistaking the romantic rewards of lovemaking with a loving partner for an erotic response that provides a sexual release. It is often suggested that women enjoy sex. This
Male arousal is acute but female arousal is subconscious
When we look at how men orgasm, it is clear that a man must have an erection before he can attempt orgasm. Only when a man has an erection, does the penis respond (when the shaft is massaged) in such a way as to cause orgasm. This is true regardless of the activity a man
Some men expect women to make sex exciting for them
Films use sound effects to indicate a couple having sex off-screen: a regular banging (of a bed against a wall) and the woman’s vocal accompaniment. Such scenes may represent a turn-on for men but it seems to me that men enjoy making female arousal into a tasteless joke. Male fantasies put tremendous pressure on women
Women have more reason to invest in a loving relationship
Young women cannot possibly imagine the challenge of a sexual relationship spanning decades. They experience sex through spontaneous and romantic interludes. Long-term relationships take effort on both sides. They are not a whirlwind of sexual passion from beginning to end. A man enjoys sexual activity most with a lover who assumes a proactive role in
The penis is an external organ but the clitoris is internal
The clitoris is the equivalent organ to the penis. They both develop from the genital tubercle in the foetus. The suggestion is that the two organs respond identically in the same scenarios (masturbation, intercourse and oral sex). Yet the penis is always stimulated directly. The clitoral organ is supposedly prodded through the walls of the
Women’s talk of orgasm does not lead to more sex for men
Ironically (because only male responsiveness declines with age) women are often more sexually active when younger. Once a woman has children, she is much less motivated by sex. Women are more confident about admitting that intercourse does not cause orgasm as they age, by acquiring status or wealth or through education. Women today say they
A woman may offer intercourse when she feels appreciated
Romance involves a man demonstrating his interest in a woman as a person. This personalised attention helps a woman interpret a man’s sex drive as being directed towards her as an individual. This is why men still pay for dates that don’t necessarily end in sex. [i] A woman offers physical intimacy to a man
Women are sexually passive due to lack of erotic arousal
Sexual reproduction even in plants (pollination) involves pollen being transferred (by wind or bees, for example) from the male reproductive part (the anther, part of the stamen) to the female reproductive part (the stigma, the tip of the pistil) of the plant. The male part is active and the female part is static. This is
Showing sexual initiative and providing erotic feedback
Doesn’t anyone else find it odd (and very convenient!) that modern advice on female orgasm just so happens to reflect almost exactly how women’s responsiveness is portrayed in pornography? Real women are obliged to exaggerate their apparent responsiveness to encourage a lover to keep going and to substitute for the much more obvious signs of
The female mind responds to many fewer erotic turn-ons
Male orgasm is most usually associated with erotic stimuli. [i] Yet it is often suggested (erroneously) that women need emotional stimuli to achieve orgasm. This misunderstanding arises because most women only engage in sexual activity as part of a loving relationship. It is, in fact, the very different levels of men and women’s sexual responsiveness
Only men are aroused in anticipation of sexual activity
Off the coast of France, at Cannes, there is an island where people are permitted to bathe nude. Nude bathing is popular in France, particularly along the south coast and there are many nudist beaches. My partner and I went there (not for that reason!) and walked around the island by the coast path. Knowing
Married men have sex more often than single men do
Despite the complaints, research indicates that married men have more sex [i] than single men do. Men may look for other pleasures when they pay for sex but they are usually happy to settle for intercourse with their wives. So men may fantasise about (apparently available) single women but, ultimately, they return home to have
Men enjoy penetration and thrusting more than orgasm
Everyone gets terribly emotional about insisting that women should orgasm with a lover and yet female orgasm serves no useful purpose at all. The function of female orgasm is simple: women’s pleasure (not men’s). Men are not motivated by orgasm (which ends their enjoyment of engaging in sexual activity) but by the rewards of intercourse.
Only men are aroused by observing a partner’s genitals
My partner likes to take photographs of my genitalia while we are having sex. Note that I have no similar desire to photograph his penis! He enjoys seeing my labia slightly swollen and the lubrication that comes from my vagina. One morning when I was busy eating breakfast, he walked up and put his phone
A woman may offer intercourse when she feels respected
After fifty years of marriage one woman told me she had never been interested in men. Men tend to seek women out. Women don’t need intercourse. They get affectionate companionship from their girlfriends and their children. Men often overlook the wider relationship after decades together. [i] There are many more men (than women) looking for
Intercourse is a demonstration of male virility and potency
Although prostitutes the world over pleasure men sexually, none are called great lovers. Equally a man does not make love to a prostitute. Male lovemaking is a behaviour used to persuade a woman to accept intercourse. [i] Women are persuaded by men’s conviction that they should find intercourse arousing because it’s reproductive. But there is
Men obtain an optimal sexual release from penetrative sex
Sex drive has been defined in terms of the proactive role that men have in obtaining intercourse. Male sex drive is apparent from the way men behave. Men often view penetrative sex as a conquest. They know they have obtained something (intercourse) that women do not always want to give. Women, who seduce men, offer
Regularity of intercourse relies on male responsiveness
One would expect the regularity of intercourse to depend partly upon a woman’s motivation. But Kinsey found the rates of sexual outlet (made up mostly of intercourse) for married men who are early adolescents to be about twice as high as the outlet of men who become adolescent later. This was the same difference he
Men want more sex than is required for reproduction
Most men are tempted by any sexual opportunity. A man’s sex drive determines intercourse frequencies so couples struggle when a man has a high sex drive because women need emotional rewards. The so-called sexual dysfunctions of men coming too soon and women taking too long arise because of misunderstanding about the role of intercourse as
Orgasm is a vital aspect of male reproductive function
When I had intercourse for the first time (as a virgin) I was shocked that I felt no internal physical sensation of any kind. I was unaware that my lover had inserted his penis into my vagina. I could feel absolutely nothing from his penis thrusting into my body. The only reason I knew he
Proposing and planning sex sessions, providing sex talk
When a man has a new lover the novelty makes sex more exciting for a while but gradually he falls back to having intercourse with similar frequencies as before. Couples have intercourse more frequently when young but frequencies decrease over time. [i] Research indicates that this decrease in activity is due to aging rather than
Our biological motivation to engage in loving relationships
Research shows that, when they are alone or with another woman, women take longer to orgasm than men do. Women are only assumed to match male speeds to orgasm (two minutes on average) during intercourse. Misconception #7: Because of the male experience, it is incorrectly assumed that women should orgasm more easily with a lover
Differences between male and female responsiveness
The differences between male and female responsiveness include: Orgasm is a vital aspect of male reproduction function; Men obtain an optimal sexual release from penetrative sex; Only men are aroused in anticipation of sexual activity; Only men are aroused by observing a partner’s genitals; Women are sexually passive due to lack of erotic arousal; The
Sexual techniques and exploring sex play with a lover
Men do not make ideal lovers of women. Not only do they orgasm easily but men rarely appreciate what drives women emotionally or how women stimulate themselves to orgasm. [i] We assume that only older generations viewed sex as a forbidden and taboo subject. But where are all the liberated couples today willing to discuss
Emotional bonding: women are unresponsive by design
Kinsey’s work remains the most comprehensive data we have on sexuality. It represents a unique opportunity to study female sexuality at a time when women felt much less obliged to claim orgasms with a lover. Kinsey’s work was the first exposé of women’s covert sexuality (women’s masturbatory and lesbian activities). But the idea that women
Both sexes enjoy emotional rewards from sexual intimacy
Whenever a man and a woman share physical intimacy, the man’s arousal is very evident. A man’s erection gives visual evidence, not only that he is aroused, but that he wants to obtain penile stimulation. He demonstrates this by massaging his erection. He is very appreciative when a partner offers to stimulate his penis by
My personal story
The story of my childhood is foremost a personal project. It may provide insights into my character and formative experiences, which have made my work on sexuality possible. It may also help the reader understand what has motivated me to work so hard and for so little reward in such a taboo area of the
Women are aroused by fantasy, not real-world turn-ons
Men are aroused by thinking about sexual activity with someone they find attractive. Only two thirds (69%) of women ever have erotic fantasies. The rest (31%) admit that they have never once been aroused by thinking about eroticism. They are not even aroused by thinking about their own partners. But this makes sense because women’s
Orgasm is not a vital aspect of women’s sexuality
All men (to varying degrees) are capable of orgasm because orgasm is the trigger for ejaculation of sperm into the vagina. Men do not have organs equivalent to the uterus and the mammary glands. So men cannot perform women’s reproductive role of childbearing. But women are potentially capable of orgasm (not ejaculation). The reason is
Male and female sexuality both contribute to reproduction
When I started researching my sexuality, I knew how to masturbate to orgasm so I wanted to know how women achieved the orgasms with a lover that I had never found possible. I was fortunate because my partner was a practical person and eager to explore my body and responses. It’s just none of this
Women’s arousal depends on a more indirect mechanism
Men are turned on as a direct consequence of their drive to penetrate (a female) and thrust until ejaculation. A woman lacks this drive. Women are not naturally aroused by either sexual activity or genitalia [i] as men are. A woman aged 29 said she couldn’t understand why a 70-year-old man would still want to
Some women masturbate without aiming for orgasm
It is difficult to establish the nature of female masturbation. [i] Women do not always use fantasy as men do, which suggests they may not always be masturbating to orgasm. Some infant girls masturbate as an instinctive comforting activity. Sometimes they reach a resolution that is interpreted as orgasm. However a young child does not
Orgasm is not the goal of sexual activity with a lover
Orgasm has become a key word in talking about sex. Certainly, the most important aspect of women’s participation in sex is whether they have an orgasm. [i] Naturally, male orgasm is not an issue because it occurs reliably. My partner explained to me that orgasm was not his key focus during sex. Sexual release was
Female arousal is more deeply buried in the subconscious
Sexual phenomena (such as masturbation or gay sex) tend to be shocking and alien until we discover we enjoy them. Similarly once we experience arousal, we see the positive (rather than the offensive) aspects of eroticism. Anyone who objects to eroticism does not understand the nature of arousal. There is a belief that we all
The clitoris is the one and only female erectile sex organ
To state the obvious: men have no organ equivalent to the vagina. [i] By considering how human sexual response must have evolved, we can start to understand that it is much more likely that female responsiveness arises from the anatomy that women have evolved in common with men than that it arises from the anatomy
Orgasm comes at the end of activity intended to achieve it
I used my own experience of sexual activity with a lover to draw conclusions about women’s use of behaviours in responding to sexual scenarios in the way that men appreciate. Sociable sexual activity focuses on male orgasm because of men’s acute arousal. Due to their lack of arousal, women may provide turn-ons and stimulation to
Understanding what works: erotic versus emotional stimuli
If men were attracted to responsive women, presumably they would hope for a woman who could orgasm within say 5 seconds of being stimulated. In reality, a man needs a woman to offer intercourse for as long as he takes to ejaculate (no more no less). But a woman has no control whatsoever over how
The sexual anatomy involved in women achieving orgasm
Shere Hite’s sample, because she targeted female orgasm specifically, included even more women (82%) who masturbated (compared with Kinsey’s sample of women). Yet even though such women must be familiar with clitoral stimulation techniques when masturbating, around half of them [i] said the same techniques did not help them orgasm with a lover. Once again
Stimulation and a focus on eroticism continue until orgasm
Imagine you are a woman. Your partner asks you to masturbate him to orgasm. Each time you do this, you would notice that the length of time varies. The amount of stimulation required differs. This is because a man’s initial state of arousal varies and his engagement in the activity (thoughts in his head) vary
Relatively few women ever use a vibrator to masturbate
Sex toys are a useful addition to a couple’s sex play: to take the pressure off a man having an erection and to provide stimulation that does not necessarily lead to orgasm. But many gimmicks bought in embarrassment and ignorance are never used. Lying on her back exposes the vulva and can be a good
Women’s erotic fantasies have a psychological context
Male fantasies are usually easily applied to real life. Men fantasise about activities they would like to do. Women do not have the same advantage. Women’s fantasises include taboo themes such as sadism, domination and rape. They involve unrealistic scenarios with a complex psychological context that can be difficult to relate to day-to-day sexual opportunities.