Although prostitutes the world over pleasure men sexually, none are called great lovers. Equally a man does not make love to a prostitute. Male lovemaking is a behaviour used to persuade a woman to accept intercourse. [i] Women are persuaded by men’s conviction that they should find intercourse arousing because it’s reproductive. But there is no reason why a woman should want intercourse more than is needed for reproduction. Men want a lover to be motivated by intercourse so that they can have sex more often. Men assume that women’s responsiveness (such as it is) exists for the sole purpose of motivating women to respond to men’s sex drive to engage in intercourse. A responsive woman discovers orgasm by an instinctive process of self-exploration and without the distractions of a lover.
Intercourse is defined by male responses: it is initiated by a man’s erection and comes to an end with his ejaculation. So for a woman to be stimulated to orgasm through intercourse she would need to time her orgasm to occur at precisely the same moment as her lover’s every time. This is because stimulation needs to continue up until orgasm but preferably not beyond. If a man tries to imagine his lover being responsible for deciding for exactly how long his penis will be stimulated, he may see the difficulty.
Alternatively, if men and women were equally responsive, half of the time the man would come first and the other half of the time the woman would come first. If the man comes first, intercourse ceases and the woman can no longer obtain whatever stimulation it is assumed intercourse provides her with. But if the woman comes first, then she would no longer be interested in (or amenable to) further stimulation. If men were frustrated 50% of the time in their desire to continue intercourse until ejaculation then the human race would be only half as successful reproductively as it has been.
Women are not aroused by an erotic appreciation of male nudity. So a man makes love to a woman, not by displaying his body, but by trying to convince her of his undying devotion. A woman’s lack of responsiveness means that she can enjoy sensual sex play and the emotional rewards of a man demonstrating his sexual admiration because she is not easily aroused. A woman accepts the stimulation provided by male lovemaking because of the inherent authority that comes with male sex drive. A man’s desire for intercourse provides her with some reassurance of his commitment. Women don’t need men to perform but they come to expect it. A woman worries (if she no longer arouses a man) that he prefers another woman.
[i] … the idea has been widely accepted that the effectiveness of a sexual relationship must depend primarily upon the skill and the art of the male partner in physically stimulating the female. (Alfred Kinsey)
Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)