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Our Biological Motivation to Engage in Loving Relationships

Research also indicates that for activities not involving men women take longer to orgasm. It is only when having sex with men that women are assumed to match male speeds to orgasm (two minutes on average).[i]

Misconception #7: Because of the male experience, it is incorrectly assumed that women should orgasm more easily with a lover than when alone. Women are able to engage in intercourse until a man ejaculates because they are unresponsive (they are not easily aroused with a lover).

A man’s sex drive arises as a pressing urge to penetrate and thrust until he ejaculates (usually co-incident with orgasm). Male responsiveness declines in line with hormone levels from puberty onwards. But even by the age of 60, male orgasm frequencies have not fallen to female levels.

Although men prefer sex (even more so once their hormone levels fall) over masturbating alone, they orgasm more quickly (on average within one to two minutes) through the more specific stimulation of masturbation. So it is unreasonable to suppose that women orgasm more quickly with a lover than alone. Equally men may be able to orgasm within two minutes but even they would struggle to perform if put under pressure.

Responsiveness is sporadic. No one orgasms according to a schedule. Some days (if we are mentally distracted or stressed) we are less responsive. At other times our minds are more readily tuned into erotic stimuli.

It is certainly possible to orgasm more frequently if we are exposed to additional turn-ons but eventually we reach the limit of our capacity.

This is why men can be unsupportive of female masturbation. They assume a woman uses up her orgasm quota by herself instead of with them.

We cannot increase (or decrease) our innate orgasm capacity. If we do succeed in increasing it for a time then a ‘rest period’ is likely to follow to allow the mind and the body to catch up with our natural arousal cycle.

When we talk about a person being sexual we often talk in terms of orgasm. But orgasm only lasts a few seconds. A woman’s sexuality involves her ability to arouse a partner and her willingness to engage in pleasuring a lover through intercourse. Men’s ability to engage in sex is limited by their responsiveness. Women’s sexuality allows them to focus on sexual behaviours (male turn-ons) that facilitate emotional bonding. Orgasm is a relatively small (and optional) part of women’s sexuality.

[i] For perhaps three-quarters of all males, orgasm is reached within two minutes after the initiation of the sexual relation … (p580 Kinsey 1948)

Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)