Arousal mechanisms are not unique to one lover

Arousal mechanisms are not unique to one lover

Mental turn-ons (both fantasies and fetishes) are abstract concepts and objects. They are not personalised or limited to one individual. So if a man finds the female breast to be an object of desire then, potentially, he can be aroused by the breasts of any woman (not just those of his lover). Likewise if a woman was aroused (to the point of orgasm) by her lover’s penis, [i] she would be aroused by the penises of other men. Women would be just as tempted by promiscuity (enjoying a variety of turn-ons) as men are.

We love someone because we care about them. But men are turned on by a lover because they are aroused by bodies, genitals and sexual attributes. So a man can love one person but still get turned on by another. This is how arousal works. A man can be aroused by another person, either by appreciating their sexual attributes or from thinking about sexual activity with them but ultimately it is his mind’s response to those stimuli that causes his orgasm. For example, even a stunningly pretty woman cannot arouse a gay man. Her nudity and her willingness to stimulate a heterosexual man assists with his orgasm because of what is happening in his mind.

Women often refuse to divulge turn-ons, implying a loyalty to the perceived accomplishment of their lover. They assume (as men do) that orgasm is solely a matter of applying the correct stimulation. A lover can provide stimulation but cannot determine the mental turn-ons that cause us to orgasm. Sexual arousal relies on seeing a person, at least to some degree, as an object of desire. Men are able to love a partner and still view them as a sex object with sexual attributes. But even men are not usually aroused by close relatives because of the emotional significance of the relationship.

Women would have to be more sexual than men if they could orgasm with fewer equivalent erotic turn-ons than men need. Given their lower responsiveness, women need to work much harder at achieving the kind of mental arousal that is needed for orgasm. A responsive woman immerses herself in an exaggerated and surreal fantasy that generates the arousal she needs.

Using fantasy produces a sense of release including an increased heart-beat and heavy breathing culminating in waves of relaxation. The feeling of sexual release differentiates masturbation from any climax with a lover. Fantasy is a mechanism a responsive woman uses to focus on a more psychological view of sex by being the object of male sex drive. Women use fictitious men in their fantasies who can be depersonalised and made into sex objects to be used for arousal rather than beings with their own needs.

[i] Most females seem to derive no particular satisfaction from their manipulations of the male. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)