With all the completely insane and goofy explanations, I get from women on the internet, it is tempting to believe that somewhere out there are women who are intelligent and sexually knowledgeable who could make a much better job of explaining their sexuality. I don’t believe this is the case. Most women keep quiet because they know that they don’t know. The ones who speak up are those who are unaware of their own ignorance.[i]
Women get angry and defensive when asked to explain their beliefs about how they orgasm. They boast about orgasm by reflecting beliefs about female orgasm in the society around them. They do not expect to be held personally accountable for these fantasies. But I am challenging these orgasm claims by women (and on behalf of women) based on erotic fiction. By reporting women’s orgasm claims Alfred Kinsey promoted multiple orgasms. Yet even he concluded that these were only peaks of arousal.
A woman knows how men achieve orgasm, not from sex education or because men tell her but, because she can observe her lovers. A woman sees a man take action to obtain the stimulation he needs for orgasm. Likewise, women are aware of male turn-ons because men talk about what turns them on in everyday life. Men do not learn these same things about women because women never refer to erotic turn-ons that cause their arousal. Similarly with a lover, women do not actively obtain the stimulation that they need for orgasm. Men cannot know more than women know themselves. Scientists research female orgasm because they hope to discover what the average couple has missed. But if women routinely had orgasms with a lover, everyone would be familiar with the turn-ons that cause female arousal and the physical stimulation that is required for female orgasm.
Any activity that has orgasm as its goal, ends when orgasm is achieved. This is logical for a number of reasons. The goal has been achieved. Our mental focus on eroticism has achieved its purpose. There is no further excitement from pursuing it. Once orgasm is achieved, blood flows away from the genitals. We feel pleasantly relaxed. We do not obtain pleasure (rather discomfort) by continuing the stimulation that caused orgasm. Anyone who can orgasm, understands how their own sexual arousal works, the erotic turn-ons and the specific stimulation technique involved because it is a reliable process. Arousal can be reliably achieved within our own personal level of responsiveness. Younger men can orgasm almost every time they have the opportunity. But older men, and women all their lives, have to wait until enough time has passed for sexual tension to accumulate.
[i] We now interpret the supposed orgasms as preliminary peaks of arousal. The possibility of prolonging this sort of experience … depends on the very fact that there is no orgasm. (Alfred Kinsey)
Excerpt from ‘Understanding Sexual Response’ (to be published 2023)