HomeSexuality & techniquesSexual techniquesSome men expect women to make sex exciting for them

Some men expect women to make sex exciting for them

Films use sound effects to indicate a couple having sex off-screen: a regular banging (of a bed against a wall) and the woman’s vocal accompaniment. Such scenes may represent a turn-on for men but it seems to me that men enjoy making female arousal into a tasteless joke. Male fantasies put tremendous pressure on women to conform to men’s view of their sexuality. Female orgasm is more often associated with porn than with real life. Men who watch porn (I realise that is any male with access to a computer!) come to expect every woman (even their wives) to provide these turn-ons.

Some men assume that women enjoy all the activity shown in porn. [i] Many women are never exposed to fictional accounts of how women are supposed to be pleasured by a male lover. Even if they are, not all women are equipped with the sexual instincts to respond by providing an erotic performance. Men seem to think that every woman has the skills of a porn star, a prostitute or a mistress. Such a woman needs to be unoffended by men’s carnal instincts and able to put on a convincing erotic show. Some women approach sex with romantic illusions. They assume that a man is so aroused by their body that he can sweep them off their feet with his sexual passion. They may not accept the need to offer any more turn-ons.

Women’s responses with a lover are driven by social attitudes. For example, in the past women were often expected NOT to respond to intercourse. Men considered it unseemly for a woman to cooperate with intercourse. Perhaps the idea that a woman might be getting something from the activity put pressure on a man to continue intercourse for longer than he could. This is yet more evidence that women’s responses with a lover involve conscious behaviours rather than spontaneous sexual responses. No one can suppress a sex drive to obtain sexual gratification over long periods.

We experience intimacy not just through sex but also through inflicting pain. We hurt others (either physically or by what we say) because it feels good. We obtain a form of personal gratification but this is not necessarily sexual. Women can be bullies as much as men but they are not equipped (physically or emotionally) to get sexual gratification from others by force.

The UK Office for National Statistics Crime Survey 2020 found 98% of sexual assaults (including penetration of a vagina, anus or mouth by a penis, object or other body part without consent) are perpetrated by men. Victims include more women (11.0%) than men (0.7%). Women are more likely to be attacked by a partner or ex-partner (45% of cases). Men are more typically (43%) attacked by a stranger compared with women (15%).

[i] The average college-bred male is more likely to extend the pre-coital petting for a matter of five to fifteen minutes or more. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (ISBN 978-0956-894724)


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