We often hear sex educators blaming men for ignoring women’s presumed sexual needs. But why are women so incapable of obtaining their own sexual satisfaction? Why are men responsible for defining women’s pleasure? In porn we see women pleasuring a lover and, in turn, being pleasured. The pleasuring appears to be mutual. But while male pleasure focuses on stimulating the penis, women accept men stimulating a variety of anatomy. In fact women are passive receivers of the stimulation men choose to provide. [i] Women are passive due to lack of arousal. This is why women cannot suggest any consistent or reliable female orgasm techniques with a lover.
Sex is taboo because of the differences between personal experiences. This is especially true between the sexes. But also orientation is a factor that people find difficult to accept. Heterosexual men cannot understand how gay men are not aroused by women’s bodies. Women cannot understand why men are so fascinated with genitals and so obsessed with having sex. Sex is done to women. It does not originate from their own responses. So it is highly embarrassing for most women. Men learn from a young age that sex is a topic that is not mentioned in front of women. So many women are offended even by the mention of the word. This reaction comes from male pressure on women to engage in sexual activity that is primarily for the male’s benefit. This makes sex a difficult subject for anyone to discuss.
Men do not eulogise about their own orgasm because it ends their ability to engage in sexual activity. But the concept of female orgasm was equated to the total sexual pleasure a woman could ever hope to experience. Both sexes could use the belief in female orgasm as a means of making their lover feel inadequate. Faking orgasm became a conscious behaviour any woman could use to please a lover. The concept of female orgasm justifies women’s participation in activity that, in truth, focuses on male pleasure.
When I first started on my research on the internet, I set up a web-based forum and invited the general public to comment on my articles. Very few people ever did. Most of the comments made were superficial. A tiny number (made by men) had any substance. I had thought other couples might be willing to share their experiences of adventurous sex play. I was wrong. I assumed that men explore women’s bodies and that women give feedback as I did. This is evidently not the case. I have concluded that the vast majority of couples have sex lives that are defined by intercourse. This basic mating activity satisfies a man’s need for sexual release and involves the woman in minimal effort so that it is relatively trivial for her to offer.
[i] A good many females … contribute little or nothing … based in part, on the theory that the male is normally so aroused that he does not need additional physical stimulation … based in part on the theory that in a culture which considers that sex should always be associated with romanticism and gallantry, it becomes the duty of the male to provide for the pleasure of the female. (Alfred Kinsey)
Excerpt from ‘Understanding Sexual Response’ (to be published 2021)