Eroticism
Men and women live in different worlds when it comes to attitudes to eroticism. I suggested that most women today know how to pleasure a man but a British sex expert (male) disagreed: “They haven’t a clue, and even if they knew, most wouldn’t do it.” A joke illustrates the point: “What is the difference
Men and women’s perspectives on relationships
Sexuality is about a sexual relationship, which includes social, emotional and sexual aspects. Long-term committed relationships are vital to supporting families over the decades needed to raise children. Men tend to focus on their sexual needs while most women hope for affectionate companionship. Sex education should present the different moral and social issues that are
Women have sex for emotional (rather than erotic) reasons
Sexual phenomena, such as arousal and orgasm, rely on explicitly adult themes. Anyone, who assumes these phenomena only occur in a relationship [i] with one person, is mistaking the romantic rewards of lovemaking with a loving partner for an erotic response that provides a sexual release. It is often suggested that women enjoy sex. This
Physical intimacy
In the film ‘Basic Instinct’ (1992) Michael Douglas, playing the detective, asks Sharon Stone, playing the millionairess, whether she enjoyed having sex with her ex-lover. She replies that she liked having sex with him because he was ‘good with his hands’. Pleasuring a woman is more likely to involve a man using his hands during
Everyone achieves orgasm in similar ways
Orgasm is a primitive response of the human body. It is achieved through an identical mechanism regardless of gender and orientation. The key characteristics of orgasm include: mental arousal must precede stimulation, stimulation focuses on massaging the blood flow within the corpora cavernosa of the phallus and stimulation ceases once orgasm is achieved. People often
Male arousal is acute but female arousal is subconscious
When we look at how men orgasm, it is clear that a man must have an erection before he can attempt orgasm. Only when a man has an erection, does the penis respond (when the shaft is massaged) in such a way as to cause orgasm. This is true regardless of the activity a man
Emotional intimacy
Enjoying sex for life involves continuing to be thrilled by each other’s company in a broader sense than just sex. It involves demonstrating affection by reacting sensitively to each other’s needs. The physical intimacy of sex (because of its highly personal nature) leads to emotional intimacy where there is trust and respect. Women perhaps focus
Explaining men and women’s sexual behaviours
Men and women behave very differently in sexual scenarios. Key behaviours include male promiscuity, women’s sexual passivity and women’s focus on relationships. We use behaviours to enhance the way others see us. This has nothing to do with responsiveness. Women use behaviours more than men do. Some people try to enhance the perception others have
Some men expect women to make sex exciting for them
Films use sound effects to indicate a couple having sex off-screen: a regular banging (of a bed against a wall) and the woman’s vocal accompaniment. Such scenes may represent a turn-on for men but it seems to me that men enjoy making female arousal into a tasteless joke. Male fantasies put tremendous pressure on women
Spice up your sex life
A young woman, who had promised her father that she would remain a virgin until a certain age, complied with his request by having anal sex with her partners (Note: STD protection and contraceptives still required). Unsurprisingly, she was very popular with men who tend not to be so hung-up about breaking sexual taboos. To
Sexual behaviours compensate for responsiveness
We cannot start to understand sexuality unless we differentiate between responsiveness and conscious behaviours . For the most part, our minds and bodies function in similar ways regardless of sex or orientation. We cannot control the level of our sex drive, the erotic stimuli that cause our arousal and the frequency with which we orgasm.
Women have more reason to invest in a loving relationship
Young women cannot possibly imagine the challenge of a sexual relationship spanning decades. They experience sex through spontaneous and romantic interludes. Long-term relationships take effort on both sides. They are not a whirlwind of sexual passion from beginning to end. A man enjoys sexual activity most with a lover who assumes a proactive role in
How to pleasure a man
Tracy Cox (author of ‘Hot Sex’ 1998) tells the story of a woman who welcomes her partner home wearing a sexy nightdress, with champagne by the bed and a pornographic movie ready to play. If she does this regularly over the longer term then I take my hat off to her! Her partner is a
Misunderstandings over how orgasm is achieved
The issue of female orgasm with a lover is at the core of sexual politics. Men want to feel valued as lovers. Women want to keep men happy in bed so they get other things in exchange such as love, support and companionship. The confusion over female orgasm is down to two main factors. Firstly
The penis is an external organ but the clitoris is internal
The clitoris is the equivalent organ to the penis. They both develop from the genital tubercle in the foetus. The suggestion is that the two organs respond identically in the same scenarios (masturbation, intercourse and oral sex). Yet the penis is always stimulated directly. The clitoral organ is supposedly prodded through the walls of the
Some women do explore sexual pleasure
Slowly attitudes to sexual pleasure are changing and more couples are approaching their sex life with a willingness to try activities other than vaginal intercourse. Basically, if you are struggling with lack of arousal during sex and genuinely want to share your own arousal with a partner then you will need to be prepared to
Women have varying degrees of sexual willingness
Human beings are sociable animals. Most of us want to be accepted in our social group. We want to share experiences. We hope to enjoy the company of others. We are reassured by the support of family, friends and a lover. It is also a survival strategy because humans tend to attack those who are
Women’s talk of orgasm does not lead to more sex for men
Ironically (because only male responsiveness declines with age) women are often more sexually active when younger. Once a woman has children, she is much less motivated by sex. Women are more confident about admitting that intercourse does not cause orgasm as they age, by acquiring status or wealth or through education. Women today say they
Sharing physical intimacy with a partner
I always enjoyed sharing physical intimacy with a lover but this is very different to achieving my own sexual arousal. I always knew that true sexual arousal was missing because I was familiar with orgasm from the very first time that I had sex. Very few women discover female masturbation so early in their life. From
Women are often disappointed with casual sex
We are all living longer due to improved health and lifestyles. So ‘til death do us part’ is much longer than it used to be centuries ago. Some couples like the idea that they are not bound solely to each other for decades. For most couples this is not an option and adultery is a
The idea that women are naturally aroused with a lover
Jane’s slides on ‘Relationship Sex’ help explain female arousal. The very first time I had sex, I knew that something was up. I felt absolutely nothing. I just lay there wondering what was going on until my partner had finished. I concluded the whole thing was a hoax. But because of the ignorance in our
Sexual pleasure
Self-evidently there are ‘responsible’ aspects of sex as well as the ‘pleasurable’ but sexual ignorance is of no use to anyone. Young women today are more likely to end up pregnant as a result of pressure from men or from idealised images of motherhood than from any hope of enjoying sexual pleasure. Providing girls with
The sexual politics of women competing over men
If men and women wanted the same thing there would be no sexual politics . Men and women are at odds because they want different things. Marriage comes with its privileges and obligations. A man’s reward is regular sex. A woman’s reward is caring for those she loves. Sexual politics involves men and women using
A woman may offer intercourse when she feels appreciated
Romance involves a man demonstrating his interest in a woman as a person. This personalised attention helps a woman interpret a man’s sex drive as being directed towards her as an individual. This is why men still pay for dates that don’t necessarily end in sex. [i] A woman offers physical intimacy to a man
Very few women talk about orgasm
After finding no answers from talking to experts, I decided to do my own research by talking to women I came across in everyday life. I wrote about some of my experiences and conclusions and then asked women whether they would be willing to read what I had written. I made it clear that there
Sex as a competitive sport and erotic entertainment
A woman values a man as a social asset (who has status and experience). But a man values a woman as a sexual asset. A young woman is a trophy because of her attractiveness and her inexperience. A man enjoys knowing that his lover is attractive not only to himself but also to other men.
Women are sexually passive due to lack of erotic arousal
Sexual reproduction even in plants (pollination) involves pollen being transferred (by wind or bees, for example) from the male reproductive part (the anther, part of the stamen) to the female reproductive part (the stigma, the tip of the pistil) of the plant. The male part is active and the female part is static. This is
Why is sexual pleasure still taboo?
If sex is so equal then why would anyone need to pay for sex? Prostitution exists because men’s drive to enjoy sexual pleasure cannot always be satisfied through relationships. Most women interpret their sexual experiences in emotional terms as ‘making love’. Consequently, wives and girlfriends are often reluctant to offer more sexually explicit sexual pleasuring. Given
Women are not respected for being promiscuous
A polite way of expressing some men’s enjoyment of promiscuity is to say that they like the ladies. There is no equivalent expression to describe a woman who is promiscuous. The term lady is used as a form of respect that is needed because of the disrespect men often display towards women. A man defends
Showing sexual initiative and providing erotic feedback
Doesn’t anyone else find it odd (and very convenient!) that modern advice on female orgasm just so happens to reflect almost exactly how women’s responsiveness is portrayed in pornography? Real women are obliged to exaggerate their apparent responsiveness to encourage a lover to keep going and to substitute for the much more obvious signs of
The female mind responds to many fewer erotic turn-ons
Male orgasm is most usually associated with erotic stimuli. [i] Yet it is often suggested (erroneously) that women need emotional stimuli to achieve orgasm. This misunderstanding arises because most women only engage in sexual activity as part of a loving relationship. It is, in fact, the very different levels of men and women’s sexual responsiveness
Women who enjoy sexual pleasure
Naturally, some women insist that they are just as sexually driven as men. Even today when pornography dominates 90% of the Internet, women remain incredibly naive about men’s passion for sex. One woman said: “The basics are this: men like sex and will give affection to get it. Women like affection, and get it during
Prostitution generally involves men paying for sex
There have always been some women who are willing to offer men sex on demand. But they want to be paid. By far the most common form of prostitution involves women providing sexual services to men. The second most common sexual service is for gay men (4% of the male population). Women usually pay male
Only men are aroused in anticipation of sexual activity
Off the coast of France, at Cannes, there is an island where people are permitted to bathe nude. Nude bathing is popular in France, particularly along the south coast and there are many nudist beaches. My partner and I went there (not for that reason!) and walked around the island by the coast path. Knowing
Emotional intimacy may lead to physical intimacy
Sex does not stand alone in a relationship and in long-term sexual relationships couples need to invest in quality time together. The candle-lit dinners, soft music and flowers we tend to associate with romance provide the backdrop for the companionable aspects of a relationship. Emotional intimacy comes from spending intimate time together by sharing conversation
The sex industry focuses on male gratification
Sexuality is about talking, observing or interacting with others in return for payment or other non-relationship rewards. Depending on our personality we may employ a variety of behaviours and attitudes to attract, impress or arouse a potential lover. Sexual contacts are usually a private affair. We are either alone or with one other person. Most
Married men have sex more often than single men do
Despite the complaints, research indicates that married men have more sex [i] than single men do. Men may look for other pleasures when they pay for sex but they are usually happy to settle for intercourse with their wives. So men may fantasise about (apparently available) single women but, ultimately, they return home to have
Bringing more realism to sex advice
It is natural that female sexuality is misrepresented by the media. We all watch films and read books in part to be entertained. We don’t necessarily want to see real life because we know what that’s like. We want to be uplifted by a fantasy view of the world. Unfortunately this huge gap between sexual
Welcome to Learn About Sexuality!
Our society provides no sex education . The magazine articles, we glance at occasionally, regurgitate the same old wives’ tales. We rely on so-called sex experts not because they have special knowledge or experience but just because so few people are willing to talk about sex in public. Despite the universal silence from women on
Advice on female orgasm
Given the practical nature of sex (book-learning only gets you so far!) we tend to assume that sex experts have personal experience to support their ‘expertise’. Such is our embarrassment over sex that even when a person is advising others about sex we think it improper to ask them to account for their sexual experiences.
Differences between men and women’s responses
One of the major differences between the way men and women respond in sexual scenarios is that being touched by a lover, is emotionally significant to men. A man takes pleasure in stimulating his penis when alone because he is aroused. But his pleasure with a lover is much greater because of the emotional acceptance
What sex experts have told me
When my partner and I decided to get married, his work-mates took him out for a beer to convince him that marriage would mean the end of his sex life. Naturally no woman ever gave me similar advice. I accepted early on that a woman needs to invest in sex for her man’s sake. Even
How we know that someone has had an orgasm
Orgasm is a subconscious response but we need to take conscious actions to achieve it. A responsive person knows when they have had an orgasm because they took specific and focused steps to get there. Arousal (and hence orgasm) relies on what happens in the mind. Some women assume they have an orgasm just by
The problem with sex advice today
The suggestion is that female sexuality is identical to male sexuality. Yet women don’t approach sex with the same genital erection (of the clitoris) that men tend to have so how can women hope to orgasm during sex as easily as men do? Many women have difficulty with orgasm during sex but this is rarely
Women mistake emotional sensations for orgasm
Female orgasm is not an issue in sexual relationships because the vast majority of women accept sex for what it is. Such women describe orgasm in terms of emotional factors. For some women this means they accept that orgasm does not occur with a lover. For others, they may assume that orgasm occurs but they
(WWO) Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse
Shere Hite explained in the 1970s how the women in her surveys reached orgasm during sex. She compared women’s success with orgasm during masturbation...
Research Papers
I have written the following papers to set out my research methodology and to share my work with the scientific community. They explain how...
Women who want to enjoy sexual pleasure
When I was growing up there was never any embarrassment over nudity at home. As divorcees, my parents naturally enjoyed sexual relationships with various partners from time to time. So I have never seen any reason why I should not enjoy the same easy sexual arousal and orgasm apparently promised by erotic fiction. Especially since
Women attract men by sexualising themselves
We wear clothes for protection, for warmth, for decency and also for display. The need to differentiate ourselves depends on our personality. Many women believe it is an essential part of their femininity to display their bodies. As long as there are no consequences (they are protected from male advances), women enjoy the admiration they