JANE: I haven’t found any women who can explain how they achieve orgasm with a lover. They cannot account for the erotic turnons involved or even the stimulation. Melissa: With a lot of touching and direct clitoral stimulation, preferably with a steady pattern. JANE: Are you talking about with a lover or masturbation? What erotic turnons do you use to achieve the arousal that is a prerequisite for orgasm? Please can you be more explicit. Are you talking about emotional rewards or a response to eroticism? I am trying to help other couples. Melissa: With a lover. And the erotic turnons are really just that touch. Touch everything. Touch everywhere. Make noise. A moan from a man is one of the sexist sounds. Emotional rewards? I’m sure there are some, but I’ve enjoyed plenty of sex and plenty of orgasms without emotions. JANE: Touch is physical stimulation. I am asking about a psychological response to eroticism. Men like penetration, genitals, legs, breasts, panties etc. What turns you on mentally? How do you get aroused? You are not talking of sexual pleasure. It is easy to boast about orgasm… Melissa: I wonder if you even read what I said about the moaning. Past that… It will differ by partner. But primarily I am a physical person. JANE: You clearly do not understand how sexual response works. Men are mentally aroused. That is how they get an erection. Men need that mental arousal (as evidenced by their erection) before they can have an orgasm. Orgasms do not materialise out of thin air. Melissa: I know precisely what an orgasm is for me. And I know exactly what it takes for me to have one. JANE: I assume you are referring to the clitoral glans. But it has no erectile tissue. The erectile tissue is in the body of the internal clitoral organ. Nor can you account for any mental arousal. So it’s not an orgasm. You are responding to a specific lover. That is emotional. Melissa: And yet… It absolutely has external erection, as you can touch it. But hey, if you want to tell me the rush and the feeling of my body being barely able to contain itself followed by a moment of the purest ease and bliss is not an orgasm, then what’s the point? JANE: Women write loads of erotic fiction too. I am explaining the anatomical facts. But the key point is not physical stimulation but mental arousal. If you are not mentally aroused, then it does not matter what you stimulate. Stimulation is instinctive once you are mentally aroused. Melissa: I disagree. When they work in conjunction, it’s amazing. But the two can work opposite each other both frustrating and amazing. I’ve been physically turned on without much else. I’ve also been aroused by thoughts and memories that never manifested physically. JANE: That means very little. To be credible, you need to explain what is mentally arousing. Erotic turnons are specific: body parts, sexual opportunities, objects associated with sex or fantasies. But women rarely refer to these psychological triggers. They also never pay for sex. Melissa: See, here is the problem. I’m literally explaining to you my own experience. I’m not boasting or ‘believing what I want to believe’. I’ve done the legwork: I know what I like, I know what turns me on, I know how to get where I want to go… But you tell me I’m wrong. JANE: You are not explaining a response to eroticism. You are explaining very vague physical feelings. The clitoris is clearly associated with female orgasm during masturbation. There is no evidence that it leads to orgasm with a lover. The fantasies required do not work with a lover. An interesting & fun way to learn about sexuality for all