FGH: I want to reaffirm the point that affection and loving embraces are massively important in my relationships. JANE: I think everyone finally agrees that women are motivated to seek intimacy through affection. Sexologists are suggesting that these emotional feelings lead to orgasm. My own experience is that erotic stimuli are required for orgasm. FGH: I agree. Cuddles and closeness will never be enough on their own. To initially become aroused mentally, the right words usually help whether that be spoken or written. FGH (cont): However, only clitoral masturbation makes me orgasm. My preference is oral sex with a partner, but these days more likely to be my fingers or vibrator. Happy to explain further. JANE: I am interested in how you achieve mental arousal. What erotic turnons do you use to achieve orgasm? FGH: Wow. Difficult question to answer to as Im not sure Ive ever thought too deeply about it. On reflection, I think most of my thoughts are past experiences or pleasant memories. FGH(cont): My first solo orgasm, my first orgasm with a partner, my first and so far only orgasm achieved with a female partner, the time I had sex with a stranger, the time I made love on a beach. FGH(cont): These are the kind of things (amongst others) that go through my mind. Im not much of a fantasist if that makes sense. Happy to dig deeper into this if it doesnt answer your question. JANE: My own experience is that orgasm only occurs when I use an intense focus on explicit erotic fantasy. I doubt you are having orgasms because of the absence of erotic stimuli. You refer to lovemaking, which is more of a romantic view of intercourse. Women can rarely explain mental arousal. I think women feel obliged to say they orgasm especially with a partner. FGH: So what advice would you give me? JANE: Theres nothing wrong with your experiences. You seem to be happy with them if you are describing them in terms of orgasm. Responsiveness is not a conscious choice. Orgasm is an instinctive response. A responsive woman only orgasms by masturbating alone. Only male responsiveness is sociable. But women can enjoy emotional rewards with a lover. Celebrating our ability to enjoy eroticism