HomeSexual responseMisconceptionsWomen have the exact same sexual needs that men have

Women have the exact same sexual needs that men have

Sex research appears to indicate that many women orgasm both alone and with a lover. But all of this research is flawed because there is no agreement on what physical and mental stimuli cause women to experience orgasm. Erotic fiction shows women apparently having orgasms from whatever stimulation their lovers choose to provide. So while male orgasm clearly depends on stimulation focused on the penis, it is assumed that women orgasm from almost any stimulation of any body part that a lover chooses to stimulate for them. There is no consistency between women’s orgasm techniques either alone, with a man or with another woman. While male erotic turn-ons are clearly defined and well-known, no one can name even one female erotic turn-on that might cause their arousal with a lover.

Women who advise the public on female orgasm never support their theories with evidence from their own experiences. They promote textbook theories about women’s presumed experiences. They are reassured by women in the population who are easily pressured into believing that they should respond to the stimulation men provide. [i] Women, with doctorates and professional qualifications in sexology, talk from a script (like porn stars) that has been prepared for them (probably by a man). It is highly irresponsible to promote male fantasies that no one can explain logically.

Why is porn so popular if it reflects so accurately the responsiveness, proactiveness and enthusiasm for sex that women have in real life? Men honestly seem to believe that female porn stars are truly aroused on screen and having orgasms, not just acting. Obviously, excellent acting…! My work on sexuality is aimed at opening up the topic. I provide a constructive discussion of arousal and orgasm for those who know what I am talking about. But I have never found any other couples who can suggest sexual techniques for pleasuring women. Intercourse defines even lesbian’s sex lives (tribbing involves emulating heterosexual coitus without the penetration). The silence is due to the gap between erotic fiction and the reality.

For most couples, intercourse defines their sex life from start to finish. The inherent conclusion must be that intercourse is just as sexually rewarding for women as it is for men. Yet women do not talk of intercourse as a crude act of sexual gratification. They talk of lovemaking. Both heterosexual and lesbian women focus their appreciation of lovemaking (intercourse or other activities) on the closeness (emotional intimacy) and touching (sensual pleasure) involved in intimacy with a loving partner. Women rarely refer explicitly to sexual anatomy or genital stimulation with a lover.

[i] I faked orgasms continuously through my marriage, but I didn’t do that as a conscious malicious deception. I simply didn’t know what an orgasm was – I thought it was when you felt really terrific and in love and surrendering and what not – like a ‘climax’ of feeling. … And even now I’ll fake an orgasm just to get the whole thing over with … (Shere Hite)

Excerpt from ‘Understanding Sexual Response’ (to be published 2021)


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