HomeSexual responseMisconceptionsWomen can masturbate themselves to orgasm with a lover

Women can masturbate themselves to orgasm with a lover

Pornography shows women masturbating (or being masturbated by a lover). This self-stimulation by fingering around their glans never ends in orgasm. Women are shown continuing to engage in sexual activity after masturbating so orgasm is clearly not their goal. Despite the publication of Hite’s findings that women are more successful with orgasm alone, heterosexuals continue to assume that the vagina is the focus of women’s pleasure.

Heterosexuals have never had any real interest in the clitoris. They are unimpressed by the endless promotion of the clitoris by sex educators and the indisputable anatomical evidence that the clitoris is the organ equivalent to the penis. Both Alfred Kinsey and Shere Hite found that women’s techniques were 95% effective in reaching orgasm alone. But they could not explain why the same orgasm techniques did not work with a partner. [i]

One issue is that the precise anatomy and the stimulation technique involved in female masturbation are never specified. This is because of women are not aroused so they simply guess which anatomy should be stimulated and assume that they orgasm from this stimulation. Given their role as the receiver in intercourse, some women assume they are supposed to stimulate the vagina. This misunderstanding is exacerbated because many sex toys are in the form of a phallus. No one explains which part of the clitoral organ is stimulated. Most people assume it must be the glans (the only visible part of the organ). Yet the glans lacks the erectile tissue (corpora cavernosa) of the shaft of the penis and the internal clitoral organ.

Another issue is that women’s psychological arousal is not considered necessary to achieve orgasm. Male erotic turn-ons are specific and well-documented but no one can name any female erotic turn-ons. Sex toys can be marketed as a means of solving women’s orgasm problems because women never appreciate the need for erotic arousal. This is because very few women have sufficient responsiveness to achieve orgasm even alone.

I question whether women stimulate themselves to orgasm with a lover. If they do, why are heterosexual so unaware of the role of the clitoris? Most men (often the less educated) do not need erotic turn-ons. They focus on intercourse. Others want to enjoy their own arousal by focusing on turn-ons. But men focus stimulation on the anatomy that arouses them. Porno orgasms (those men assume women should have with a lover) involve different anatomy because men provide all the stimulation of a sexual encounter. Women are sexually passive with a lover due to lack of arousal. It took me years to work through the logic that enabled me to explain this.

[i] If women know how to have orgasms, why don’t they use this knowledge during sex with men? (Shere Hite)

Excerpt from ‘Understanding Sexual Response’ (to be published 2023)