There are no female equivalents to the turn-ons that motivate men sexually. [i] Women often prefer intercourse in the dark and they do not enjoy observing their own genitals. The visual impact of her own and a lover’s genitalia can even detract from a woman’s enjoyment of sexual pleasuring. In men’s eyes women can seem impossible to please. But women wonder why men do not provide them with the social interaction they hope for. Women’s romantic fantasies involve affectionate companionship where a man takes an active social interest by responding to what she says.
A woman does not obtain the same automatic emotional fulfilment from sex that men do. She needs sexual pleasuring to be emotionally meaningful. By offering a man intercourse she hopes that he will care about her because she is, not just sexually, but also emotionally significant to him.
Men tell me that their partners orgasm through cunnilingus. They seem to think that if a woman is stimulated genitally she always orgasms. This is not my experience. I do not necessarily orgasm even if I do receive stimulation in the correct form. My body only responds to the point of orgasm very sporadically: perhaps once every few weeks for as much as 3 or 4 times in one week but not every week. So how can a man ‘give a woman an orgasm’ when I cannot do this for myself even through masturbation?
If my lover offers oral sex I accept his desire to please me but eventually I stop him because the sensations are minimal. Likewise manual stimulation of the clitoris can be irritating or uncomfortable. It is only if I am sufficiently aroused that clitoral stimulation assists with achieving orgasm.
In a ‘Reuters Health’ online article (2014) American researcher Nicole Prause explains: “But I also believe women often think they are having an orgasm when in fact they are not. How do women learn what an orgasm is? I don’t know. Maybe they’re reporting orgasms just when they’re having a pleasurable sensation. I don’t think they’re lying. I think they really believe they’re having orgasm. If they’re having fun, keep having fun.”
A woman can enjoy sex for many reasons. She may want the emotional reassurance of knowing that her attractiveness (both her body and her behaviour) arouses her partner. Or she may enjoy indulging her fantasies. Sometimes for a change, a woman may enjoy using a blindfold to focus on sensations and use some low-key bondage to heighten the sense of being desired by a partner. Sex toys can be used to tease, bring in some anticipation (of the real thing!) and take the pressure off a man needing an erection.
[i] promiscuity may depend … upon the male’s anticipation of variation in the genital anatomy of the partner, in the techniques which may be used during the contacts, and in the physical responses of the new partner. None of these factors have such significance for the average female. (p683 Kinsey 1953)
Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)