For women, sexual attraction does not include erotic arousal

Women are attractive to men because their bodies cause intense male arousal. Women are attracted to other women because female bodies are more sensual and less overtly sexual than male bodies. Men are attractive to other men because of their easy arousal. Heterosexual women respond to men’s desire for penetrative sex to please their lover and to cement a supportive, loving relationship that they hope will last over the long-term.

I have always liked men. Foremost I am attracted by a person’s mind. I like a man who has a sense of fun and who makes an interesting companion. But when I am attracted to a man, I do not respond erotically. For me, sexual attraction relies on forming an emotional attachment. Women want a lover who demonstrates affection. They want to be touched, caressed or hugged. They enjoy spending companionable time with a lover who demonstrates caring behaviours. Men want sexual love based on achieving a sexual release. Women feel nurturing, platonic love. A woman is motivated to care for her lover as she does her children. It is not a sexual love.

Naturally, I enjoy it when a man is attracted to me. When a man is aroused by a woman, he pays her special attention. He singles her out and enjoys her company. He listens or appears to. He maintains eye contact and smiles approvingly at what she says. He is attentive to her feelings and tries to please her. It is very gratifying. A woman can have strong emotional responses to male devotion. Some women assume this response equates to arousal. But it does not assist with orgasm. It is the female body preparing for intercourse (blood flows to the genitals and the vagina is lubricated).

I am not attracted to women. Their behaviour of displaying their body for admiration does not impress me. This display of anatomy works well for men but, even if a man were to display himself, it would do nothing for me. Men like sexual anatomy and provocative behaviours aimed at arousing them. So some women promote their bodies but they have no interest in discussing their sexuality, enjoyment of eroticism or sexual pleasuring.

I have concluded that before offering regular sex to a long-term partner, most women need to have formed an emotional attachment. Men are always physically and mentally aroused with a lover but women are not. This is why women naturally focus on upper body lovemaking, kissing and caressing. [i] Men focus on lower body genital stimulation because of their arousal. So men and women approach their relationships very differently regardless of orientation. Lesbians have long-term, often platonic, loving relationships. Gay men are much more likely to be highly promiscuous.

[i] … with my present female lover … she and I spend anywhere from two hours to six hours in caressing, touching, cuddling, hugging, lip kissing, deep kissing and intimate conversation before, in-between, and after sex, lying in bed. This is very important! (Shere Hite)

Excerpt from Understanding Sexual Response (ISBN 978-0956-894762)