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Men may get more sex if they are willing to be realistic

Only some men like to offer their partners any form of foreplay. Other men (possibly the majority) prefer to head straight for enjoying intercourse. [i]

In the film ‘The Ugly Truth’ (2009) Gerard Butler’s lines advise women: “Men are simple… if you want a relationship here’s how you get one. Get skinny and get some trashy lingerie while you’re at it because … all we’re interested in … is looks! No one falls in love with your personality at first sight! We fall in love with your tits and your ass! And we stick around because of what you’re willing to do with them! So if you want to win a man over you don’t need ten steps you need one … it’s called a blow-job!”

In the BBC3 TV documentary ‘Britain in Bed’ broadcast in the UK in January 2012 George Michael, international singer and musician, says: “The idea of ‘no-strings attached’ sex is very attractive to most men, gay or straight.” Notice that he says ‘the idea of’. Many men think about having sex with all sorts of women throughout their average week. But this does not mean that all of them would take up the opportunity even if they were offered it! Some men are much more tempted by promiscuity than others.

The average time a man lasts (from penetration until ejaculation) is about two minutes, which is hardly onerous. But when a man wants to spend time on foreplay prior to intercourse, sex becomes harder work for the woman. It is not just the time involved but also the need to appear engaged! Ironically the man who simply takes is likely to have more sex because he expects little ‘performance’ from the woman. A woman can enjoy being the object of a man’s desire without needing to falsify her responsiveness.

Female orgasm is promoted as if it is a relationship accessory. But orgasm is a highly specific genital response that arises because we ourselves (not our partners) want it. In the first place, only we can determine what explicit aspect of sexual activity is particularly arousing to us personally. Secondly only we can generate the mental focus required for orgasm. This psychological arousal is then combined with massaging the blood flow within the erectile organ (penis or clitoris) to achieve a release of sexual energy.

Very occasionally (as a more mature woman) I ask my partner to stimulate me to orgasm (through clitoral stimulation most usually combined with anal intercourse). I do this if I feel some glimmer of arousal because I know that it is so important to him to be able to pleasure me in this way. It seems odd to me that something, which is supposedly for my pleasure, is in fact for his. The climax I enjoy is much more vital to my lover than it is to me.

[i] It is a mistake to assume that a sophistication of techniques would be equally significant to all persons. For most of the population, the satisfaction to be secured in orgasm is the goal of the sexual act, and the more quickly that satisfaction is attained, the more effective the performance is judged to be. (p572 Kinsey 1948)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)

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