Women do not experience easy erotic arousal with a lover

Lesbians have the advantage (as women) of having a similar responsiveness as their lovers. Also being women, they are not so intent on genital stimulation, penetration and orgasm. A woman does not need a partner to respond to stimulation as some men do. Lesbians can be more relaxed about exploring sexual pleasuring without any pressure to achieve orgasm. To experience any kind of climax, a woman needs a lover who is not distracted by their own arousal: either an older male lover (over the age of 35) or a woman. She needs more stimulation than when she uses fantasy alone. The advantage of a man (once he is directed towards the correct anatomy) is that men may be more willing to stimulate a lover’s genitals.

Men and women differ significantly not only in terms of frequency of orgasm but also their levels of sex drive and ease of arousal. This is a balance of effort (how easily we are aroused) versus the reward of engaging in sexual activity (how much we enjoy our own erotic arousal and orgasm). Not only do men want intercourse more frequently than women do but they also orgasm much more easily. A young man tends to be distracted by his need to proceed quickly to intercourse. A man’s responsiveness leaves much less time than a woman wants to enjoy sensual pleasuring.

It only appears as if everyone is interested in female orgasm. In reality, men want to know how to motivate a woman to engage in intercourse. If heterosexual men were truly interested in how women achieve orgasm, they would be willing to learn from women’s masturbation techniques. Once a man has had his own orgasm, he lacks the incentive (he no longer needs the turn-on of stimulating a lover) and the stamina to stimulate a lover (by hand or mouth). Luckily men slow down a little as they age.

What makes a good lover? Someone who focuses on their own pleasure (either as a receiver or giver) or someone who offers the sensual pleasuring (for a woman) or genital pleasuring (for a man) that a partner enjoys? Men may be insensitive lovers but even they would notice if clitoral stimulation was as reliable as penile stimulation in providing easy orgasms. A man has little interest in female masturbation (except as a display of the female genitalia) because he learns from experience that a woman does not experience acute physical arousal (as men do) no matter what stimulation he provides. Women (even if they are sexually responsive) have no reason to make orgasm their aim with a lover (where orgasm takes 10-20 minutes) because orgasm is much more easily achieved alone (in around 4 minutes).

[i] … the average (median) female ordinarily takes a bit less than four minutes to reach orgasm in masturbation, although she may need ten or twenty minutes or more to reach that point in coitus. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)