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Women assume that they should orgasm with a lover

Prostitutes are more sexually experienced than most women. Yet even they admit that they do not orgasm with clients[i]. A woman who claims to orgasm with a lover is either interpreting orgasm in emotional terms or she is using orgasm as a reward for her lover’s commitment to the relationship. Faking represents an implicit cooperation that suits both sexes. Women fake to obtain male approval. A man’s sexual ego is reassured when a woman describes sex as orgasmic. Men are convinced because they want to be. As long as he feels sexually appreciated, a man overlooks the fact that women rarely initiate sex and that they lose interest in sex over time.

Educators struggle to convince men that women do not always want intercourse. But men are always persuading women to have intercourse. And then, there are women who claim to orgasm from consensual intercourse. Heterosexual men have difficulty identifying with the female perspective on intercourse because as the initiator (the penetrator) intercourse is always pleasurable. A woman’s pleasure depends on male attitude and behaviour. So for example, rape is not only a physical violation but also a psychological violation of the victims’ ability to make their own choices.

Misunderstandings about how women achieve orgasm arise because of ignorance of what responsiveness involves more than from wilful deceit. Most women have no experience of what is involved in an erotic response. Where women consciously deceive men, by admitting that they fake orgasm or by blatantly selling sex, the evidence is fairly transparent. What is much more misleading is the evidence of the many women who are able to convince themselves that they truly respond as a lover wants them to.

Orgasm is a subconscious response. We do not choose to be aroused by stimulation on one occasion but not another. Imagine a man, blindfolded, who thinks that he is being stimulated by his ideal lover. He orgasms regardless of who stimulates him in reality. As long as a person is mentally aroused the physical component is simply that: physical. So it makes no sense for a woman to say that she can orgasm with a lover but never alone.

Many women limit their sexual experiences to intercourse so they simply assume that this is when they orgasm. Since they never masturbate, they assume the vagina is a sex organ because it is the only part of their anatomy that is ever stimulated. The vagina is not endowed with the properties (erectile tissue) that would make an orgasmic response possible. The stimulation of intercourse continues up until male orgasm, not female orgasm.

[i] In male prostitution, the prostitute usually experiences orgasm. This is in contrast to the situation among female prostitutes … In most cases the female prostitute is not aroused and does not experience orgasm during a professional contact. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)


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