Men have a drive to obtain intercourse that we see throughout Nature. We observe the male of the species being motivated to mate with a female. But drives for political equality, mean that feminists insist that women experience a similar drive to engage in activity that potentially impregnates them. Libido encapsulates the idea that women have a choice over intercourse. Women’s amenability depends on emotional factors. Yet sex drive is biological. Men observe that young women offer sex more readily than older women. But women’s desire for family has nothing to do with a sex drive.
The most fundamental belief anyone has about female orgasm is that it should occur from intercourse. But the precise mechanism that causes female orgasm and the timing of a woman’s orgasm is never specified. Women are supposed to orgasm at some point before intercourse ends. Alfred Kinsey found that a woman’s presumed enthusiasm for intercourse (based on orgasm claims) has no impact on intercourse frequencies. [i] Hite found that women valued closeness and touching more than orgasm.
When talking to Silvia, an older woman I have known for years, I referred to my work. She said abruptly: “There’s nothing wrong with my sexuality!”. I assumed she meant that she enjoyed intercourse as normal, healthy women are meant to. Whereas I engaged in clitoral stimulation and fantasies, which women consider obscene. The discussion was evidently over. How could anyone believe that such a dismissive response indicates that a woman enjoys sexual pleasure or that she knows anything about orgasm?
My experience of women who comment on sex is that they are only interested in the topic to the extent that they can reassure themselves, and no doubt others, that they are ‘sexually normal’ as defined by our society. They never give any explicit details and they certainly have no friendly advice for a woman, like myself, who questions the feasibility of these orgasms they are presumed to enjoy (not explicitly but inherently because they engage in intercourse). By conforming to the beliefs in the society around them, they avoid conflict and obtain reassurance and acceptance.
There are many references to women’s disappointment with sex in the popular media. Why are these experiences women have openly referred to and yet still remain unacknowledged? I have concluded that the explanations are too unpopular. Women always use euphemisms to talk about intercourse. Sex seems to be just a life experience that every woman is expected to acquire by a certain age. The universal promotion of erotic fiction and the lack of a more realistic picture mean that we cannot accept the reality.
[i] … even those females who are most responsive in their sexual relations might not choose to have coitus as often as their spouses want it. (Alfred Kinsey)
Excerpt from ‘Understanding Sexual Response’ (to be published 2023)