Prostitutes must have more sexual experience than even the most promiscuous of men. But a prostitute is never called a great lover. Men attribute all the skill and the effort of intercourse to themselves rather than to a woman. Men assume that women are merely the ungrateful recipients of the amazing sexual pleasure that men work so hard to deliver. Men’s arousal and their sex drive causes them to focus on their own performance.
By offering her body to a man to ejaculate into, a woman can guarantee that he will have an orgasm. Yet a man never thanks a woman for giving him an orgasm. The man is the active partner in intercourse, so it is assumed that he makes his own orgasm as well as giving a woman an orgasm from the same activity. Men want to believe that they are doing something to a woman that causes her to respond in some way. But the origin of this expected response is based on an assault scenario rather than consensual intercourse. This is one of the key misunderstandings about the role of intercourse and specifically women’s erotic response to intercourse rather than having to use conscious behaviours to produce the effect that men crave. This is the taboo and deceit of sex, which pressures women into faking to reassure men’s ego
Men are convinced that they provide women with amazing pleasure. Women say nothing. It’s a waste of time telling men how women feel because men simply don’t understand. In reality, sex involves women making effort for men’s sake. Women are told that they should enjoy providing men with sexual pleasure and the emotional reassurance that he needs. But this duty can never be acknowledged because a man is offended.
The key problem with men thinking that women obtain a similar pleasure from sex is that they fail to engage on the romantic factors that women need to feel amenable to intercourse. Men think that they can behave however they want and still get the intercourse they want. Sex is a male pleasure. A woman is more likely to offer a man sex when she gets the emotional rewards from the relationship that she wants (based on affectionate companionship).
For a woman, any sexual activity with a lover (especially penetrative sex) is the most intimate act anyone can engage in. She feels vulnerable and it takes a great deal of trust. Offering her body to a lover can be slightly humiliating for a woman (and incredibly boring) because of her full consciousness of her situation (without erotic arousal). Sex for a woman is an invasion of privacy, messy, slightly disgusting, tedious, uncomfortable, embarrassing and mortifying. This is the power of a woman’s love that enables a woman to overcome these instinctive feelings. Men seem to think that no matter how they behave that a woman should always offer sex, as if it’s male right. A woman doesn’t feel loved by this scenario. She feels used for male pleasure.
Even very pleasant men have a way of asserting their will and they often expect a woman to agree with them. Many women simply can’t be bothered to fight all the time. But men need to be aware that such behaviour makes it very unlikely that the relationship will ever be communicative. The best sex is enjoyed over the longer term when a couple develops honest and open forms of communication. This can only be done if both lovers have a degree of flexibility in attitude and a willingness to accept a lover’s point of view.
A woman’s cooperation with intercourse can be much more constructive than mere passivity. She may contribute to male gratification by offering additional stimulation or turn-ons such as implying a response. These behaviours benefit women because men tend to be generous to women who please them sexually. A woman accepts the risks of intercourse to give pleasure to a man she loves or to incentivise him to pay the family bills.
Although men may admire a woman who presents herself attractively, they rarely acknowledge the conscious effort she makes to play along with male fantasies and to respond lovingly and erotically to intercourse. A man sees his own role as core to intercourse. He assumes that a woman obtains an equal pleasure from intercourse or if not, that she should. Women cannot help being unaroused any more than men can help being regularly aroused.
If a woman wants children, it obviously makes sense to have the support of the father. But even without children, a woman wants to enjoy the companionship of a man who is an interesting companion and who cares about her. Having a relationship with a man involves offering regular intercourse. A man will not be loyal without regular sex. This is still true today and explains why women feel obliged to provide the sex men need.
Men travel away from home for weeks at a time without complaining about the lack of sex. It is only when they have a partner available that men expect sex on a regular basis. Many women feel pressure to keep those they love happy. Some women have a strong sense of emotional (caring) obligation to provide the intercourse a man needs, regardless of their own personal happiness. Over time, men come to think of sex as a relationship right. The message for women is: don’t be so soft. Expect more in return from a man.
Men subsidise a woman’s lifestyle in return for obtaining regular intercourse. Most men are happy to do this, seeing their ability to provide for a woman and a family as key to their own sexuality. Their earning ability gives men control in relationships. But men’s need for regular intercourse gives women control. These two factors balance each other in a rewarding relationship.
So what turns her on? … A man who makes her feel ‘safe’ and treats her like she is a vital part of his very existence, and not just a favourite sperm dumpsite. (Yangki Akiteng)
Excerpt from Learn About Sexuality (ISBN 978-0956-894748)