Men may be spontaneously aroused but most men most of the time need to do something to orgasm. So female orgasms cannot ‘just happen’.
The emphasis on clitoral stimulation (as if it is the only factor in orgasm) is misleading because it ignores the bigger issue of erotic turn-ons.[i]
Stimulation techniques are useless without accompanying psychological arousal. Yet sexual activity is often described only in terms of physical stimulation. The idea that the brain needs to have an empathic response to eroticism is rarely mentioned. This is probably because we can see body parts but we cannot know what is happening inside a person’s head.
The brain triggers the physical responses we call orgasm but no one (even a man) can orgasm if their mind is engaged elsewhere (if they are distracted by non-sexual thoughts). Orgasm occurs in the brain. It is not just a question of physical stimulation. Some form of fantasy is needed.
Since the physical aspects of sex are fairly straightforward (once we have worked out that the clitoris needs stimulating) any woman who has orgasm difficulties is told she has a psychological problem (that she is sexually or emotionally inhibited). It is true that the psychological aspects of sex cause women difficulty but not because there is something wrong with them. It is because of the way women’s sexual psychology works.
The male mind slips fairly effortlessly from the real world into fantasy. So men only need to use fantasy scenarios to boost their natural arousal. For example men use pornography when masturbating in the absence of a lover. But women are much less sexually responsive than men are.
Arousal is a response to our senses (sight, smell & touch) as well as our imagination. Women’s lack of hormonal drive means they have to use their imagination (fantasy) on a completely different level from how men use theirs. Women also have no easy sources of arousal such as a lover’s body. Given these two conditions it takes considerable mental concentration to orgasm by using only fantasies (focused on taboo aspects of sex).
A woman needs to be alone, in an environment devoid of distractions.
The fact that women orgasm most easily by masturbating alone is counterintuitive because it is not the male experience. Ironically it is the sociable nature of sexual activity with a lover that impedes a woman’s ability to obtain the intense focus on fantasy that she needs for orgasm.
[i] Fantasies, as a matter of fact, often provide the stimulus which initiates the male’s masturbation. (p165 Kinsey 1953)
Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)