A woman may believe that she has orgasms with her lover. But if she is unwilling to have the same experience with an attractive stranger, it is the relationship rather than the act itself that is giving her pleasure. Her pleasure derives from the emotional significance of the act within the relationship she has with her lover. This explains why women are much less promiscuous than men on average. Of course, there are women who will have sex with any man they come across. They are undiscerning about their sexual partner. But this is true for many fewer women than it is for men.
Just as there are women who use the words arousal, orgasm and erotic without appreciating what these words mean to men, there are men who use the word love without having any idea what it means to a woman. Some women describe their experiences in terms of arousal in order to meet male expectations for their sexuality. Equally, some men describe their experiences in terms of romantic love because the concept is more acceptable to women than crude sexual urges. It may be that men experience a little of the emotional sensations that women feel, just as women experience a little of the arousal that men feel. But male arousal can be overwhelming. Likewise women can feel a strong emotional connection.[i]
A man’s response to a woman’s body, causes him to feel an emotional connection with her based on his own arousal. When a woman responds positively by allowing a man to obtain his sexual release from penetrating her body, she completes the emotional bonding process. Men would never do this. Not just because they need to obtain their own sexual release but because they would never waste their time on non-arousing sexual activity.
People are quick to blame a woman or her lover for ignorance or poor technique, if female orgasm does not occur. But I have paid money to a sex clinic only to be told that I am very normal. No one had any solutions. But more importantly, they had no explanations. No one could confirm either the anatomy or the erotic turn-ons involved in these orgasms women are assumed to have routinely with a lover. These orgasms may be common in erotic fiction but the sensationalism indicates their rarity in reality.
Women seem to think that basic facts, such as the anatomy and turn-ons involved in orgasm, are somehow personal to them. These facts should be common knowledge. Women think that being asked to be explicit about orgasm is an infringement of their privacy rights. But orgasm with a lover is supposed to be a common experience. Every woman in the population, millions of women, are believed to achieve orgasm with a lover every time.
[i] If you want a good orgasm, you can masturbate. The whole reason you make love with someone is to share the closeness and warmth of making love, of giving pleasure, of appreciating each other’s bodies … (Shere Hite)
Excerpt from Understanding Sexual Response (ISBN 978-0956-894762)