Home Women's sexuality Emotional bonding Women are much slower to arouse with a lover

Women are much slower to arouse with a lover

Lesbians have the advantage (as women) of having a similar responsiveness[i] as their lovers. Also being women, they are not so intent on genital stimulation, penetration and orgasm. Lesbians can be more relaxed about exploring sexual pleasuring without any pressure to achieve orgasm.

To experience orgasm, a woman needs a lover who is not distracted by their own arousal: either an older male lover (over the age of 35) or a woman. She needs more stimulation than when she uses fantasy alone.

Men and women differ significantly not only in terms of frequency of orgasm but also levels of sex drive and ease of arousal. This is a balance of effort (how easily we are aroused) versus the reward of engaging in sexual activity (how much we enjoy our own sexual arousal and orgasm).

Not only do men want intercourse more frequently than women do but they orgasm much more easily. A young man tends to be distracted by his need to proceed quickly to intercourse. A man’s responsiveness leaves much less time than a woman wants to enjoy sensual pleasuring.

Once a man has had his own orgasm he lacks the incentive (he no longer needs the turn-on of stimulating a lover) and the stamina to stimulate a lover (by hand or mouth). Luckily men slow down a little as they age.

What makes a ‘good lover’? Someone who focuses on their own orgasm? Or someone who offers the genital pleasuring a partner needs to orgasm?

It only appears as if everyone is interested in female orgasm. In reality men want to know how to motivate a woman to engage in intercourse.

If heterosexual men were truly interested in how women achieve orgasm they would be willing to learn from women’s masturbation techniques.

Men may be insensitive lovers but even they would notice if women could achieve orgasm easily through clitoral stimulation. A man has little interest in female masturbation (except as a display of the female genitalia) because he learns that a woman is not easily aroused with a lover.

Women (even if they are sexually responsive) have no reason to make orgasm their aim in lovemaking (where orgasm takes 10-20 minutes) because orgasm is much more easily achieved alone (in 4 minutes).

The advantage of a male lover (once he is directed towards the correct anatomy) is that men are more motivated to stimulate a lover’s genitals.

[i]the average (median) female ordinarily takes a bit less than four minutes to reach orgasm in masturbation, although she may need ten or twenty minutes or more to reach that point in coitus. (p626 Kinsey 1953)

Excerpt from Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (ISBN 978-0956-894717)