Home Sexual response Differences Some men want a lover to provide a response to intercourse

Some men want a lover to provide a response to intercourse

The basic male sexual function is instinctive. It is satisfied relatively easily by intercourse. Kinsey concluded that the vast majority of men (including the less educated) use intercourse as a quick (biological and functional) means of sexual release. They do not look for a response (erotic or emotional) from a lover. They do not need reassurance. Neither do they look for erotic turn-ons. So for women (probably the majority) who have a male partner who needs no erotic feedback, intercourse only lasts for an average of 2 minutes. This is hardly onerous and explains why so few women complain about the overhead of providing a man with a regular sexual outlet.

By observing the mating act for other mammals, we can see that intercourse is based on an act of male assault. I heard a reference to ‘bull queers’. These are heterosexual men who rape other men in male prisons. Apparently, they like it when victims put up a fight (called ‘wigglers’). I thought about this and it occurred to me that the resistance scenario is a natural turn-on. It explains why many fantasies (of both sexes) include rape or BDSM. The penetrating male derives gratification from the victim’s vocal objections and attempts to avoid a violent penetrative act.

I knew from my own experience that consensual intercourse provides little stimulation for a woman. Both the psychological turn-on and the physical stimulation of intercourse are enjoyed by the penetrating male. But it occurred to me that if we accept that intercourse has evolved from a mating act, which is often an act of male assault, then it’s possible that men have also evolved a sensitivity to a partner’s response. This is not an erotic response but simply a substitute for the noise and body movements of the victim of rape. This would explain why men often expect a lover to respond to intercourse. They assume that a woman can feel the penis penetrating her vagina. In fact, her rejection is of an act that is imposed on her with violence or hatred. This theory also explains the erotic feedback that porn actresses provide and the consequent pressure on women to fake.

Kinsey highlighted that only a minority of men are concerned about a lover’s response. He noted that some men (often the more educated) are much more interested in peripheral erotic concepts and activities in addition to intercourse. Kinsey suggested that more sensitive and imaginative men look for feedback from a lover. This makes sex much more onerous for a woman. I learned from my lovers that a man appreciates some erotic feedback during sex. He likes a lover to move with his rhythm, to caress and kiss him. She ideally moves her hips to assist with penile stimulation.

I never fake orgasm. I am angry with other women who do, because then men can tell me that I am incapable sexually, because I do not have vaginal climaxes, and other women they have slept with do. Since I have never had a vaginal climax, I question their existence. (Shere Hite)

Excerpt from ‘Understanding Sexual Response’ (to be published 2023)