HomeSexual responseDifferencesSome men want a lover to provide a response to intercourse

Some men want a lover to provide a response to intercourse

The basic male sexual function is instinctive. It is satisfied relatively easily by intercourse. Kinsey concluded that the vast majority of men (including the less educated) use intercourse as a quick (biological and functional) means of sexual release. They do not look for a response (erotic or emotional) from a lover. They do not need reassurance. Neither do they look for erotic turn-ons. So for women (probably the majority) who have a male partner who needs no erotic feedback, intercourse only lasts for an average of 2 minutes. This is hardly onerous and explains why so few women complain about the overhead of providing a man with a regular sexual outlet.

By thinking about how other mammals mate, I came to appreciate that intercourse is effectively a male assault. I also came across a reference to bull queers. These are heterosexual men who rape other men in male prisons. It seems that they like a victim who puts up a fight (called wigglers). I thought about this and it occurred to me that the resistance scenario is a natural turn-on. It explains why many fantasies (of both sexes) include rape or BDSM. The penetrating male obtains gratification from the victim’s vocal objections and attempts to resist being penetrated by his penis.

I knew from my own experience that consensual intercourse provides little stimulation for a woman. Both the psychological turn-on and the physical stimulation of intercourse are enjoyed by the penetrating male. But it occurred to me that if we accept that intercourse has evolved from a mating act, which is effectively an act of male assault, then it’s possible that men have also evolved a desire for a partner’s response. This need is not based on an erotic response as such but can be satisfied by any noise and body movements that emulate a resisting partner. A man interprets this behaviour as a turn-on. Men assume that a woman can feel the penis thrusting into her vagina. But the rape victim objects to an act that is imposed on them with violence or hatred. This theory also explains the erotic feedback that porn actresses provide and the pressure on women to fake orgasm. [i]

I learned that a man appreciates some erotic feedback during sex. A man enjoys having a lover who moves with his rhythm, caresses and kisses him. A woman ideally moves her hips to assist with penile stimulation. Kinsey highlighted that only a minority of men are concerned with a lover’s response. Equally only some men (often the more educated) are interested in peripheral erotic concepts and activities over and beyond intercourse. Kinsey suggested that more sensitive and imaginative men look for feedback from a lover. But this makes sex much more onerous for a woman.

[i] I used to (fake), because my partner was comparing me to another woman he was sleeping with. He made me feel terrible with descriptions of how she went into a screaming orgasm before he even entered her. (Shere Hite)

Excerpt from Understanding Sexual Response (ISBN 978-0956-894762)