HomeSexuality & techniquesMale sexualityMen may get more sex if they are willing to be realistic

Men may get more sex if they are willing to be realistic

Only some men like to offer their partners any form of foreplay. Other men (probably the majority) prefer to head straight for the joys of intercourse.[i]

Because men are much more promiscuous than women on average, it is often assumed that all men are promiscuous. Many men think about having sex with various women throughout their average day. But this does not mean that all of them would take up the opportunity even if they were offered it! Some men are much more tempted by the thrills and pleasures of promiscuity than others. Other men look for an emotional connection.

Kinsey told of couples who lived in rural areas, who had sex three times a day (around meal-times) every day for years. It is clear that this sexual activity would be quick. Specifically, it would not involve extended foreplay, focused on assisting with presumed female arousal. But this modern obligation, that men have acquired in the light of women’s demands for equal rights and a less subjugated sexual role, has created unrealistic expectations for the time and energy couples want to invest in sexual activity.

The average time a man lasts (from penetration until ejaculation) is about two minutes, which is hardly onerous. But when a man wants to spend time on foreplay prior to intercourse, sex becomes harder work for the woman. It is not just the time involved but also the need to appear engaged! Ironically the man, who simply takes, is likely to have more sex because he expects little performance from the woman. A woman can enjoy being the object of a man’s desire without needing to falsify her responsiveness.

Female orgasm is promoted as if it is a relationship accessory. But orgasm is a highly specific genital response that arises because we ourselves (not our partners) want it. In the first place, only we can determine what explicit aspect of sexual activity is particularly arousing to us personally. Secondly only we can generate the mental focus required for orgasm. This psychological arousal is then combined with massaging the blood flow within the erectile organ (penis or clitoris) to achieve a release of sexual energy.

Very occasionally (as a more mature woman) I ask my partner to stimulate me to a climax (through clitoral stimulation most usually combined with anal intercourse). I do this if I feel some glimmer of arousal because I know that it is so important to him to be able to pleasure me in this way. It seems odd to me that something, which is supposedly for my pleasure, is in fact for his. The climax I enjoy is much more vital to my lover than it is to me.

[i] It is a mistake to assume that a sophistication of techniques would be equally significant to all persons. For most of the population, the satisfaction to be secured in orgasm is the goal of the sexual act, and the more quickly that satisfaction is attained, the more effective the performance is judged to be. (Alfred Kinsey)

Excerpt from Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (ISBN 978-0956-894724)