Although men have varying levels of sex drive (which affect the frequency with which they want sex) once a man engages in specific genital stimulation he most usually does achieve orgasm. [i] For men, physical stimulation leads to orgasm because they are easily aroused especially with a lover.
A man’s sexual emotions involve his drive to engage in penetrative sex and to enjoy the eroticism of being physically intimate with a lover. A woman’s sexual emotions involve demonstrating her love by responding to a man’s desire for intercourse in return for her lover’s appreciation, gratitude and affectionate response. We see a parallel in this difference between the sexes in the gay world where homosexual men are often highly promiscuous with sexual encounters proceeding quickly to genital action. Lesbian women, on the other hand, tend to have longer-lasting, sometimes platonic relationships involving strong emotional attachments.
Only 2% of the female population is exclusively homosexual (half as common as male homosexuality). Lesbians do not always use genital techniques but those who do are more effective at achieving female orgasm than is usual among heterosexuals (whose lovemaking rarely includes techniques aimed at facilitating female orgasm). Lesbians are likely to be older before using stimulation techniques aimed at causing orgasm because young women’s minds and bodies do not respond easily with a lover. Many women (regardless of orientation) prefer other pleasures over sex.
Women who fantasise may be able to deduce their orientation from the nature of their fantasies. Alternatively we could define a heterosexual woman by her desire to attract male sexual attention. Bisexuality may indicate an ambivalence to a lover’s gender rather than a person’s orientation. Lesbian and bisexual women don’t talk about what turns them on or what they enjoy about sex any more than other women do. They talk about their concerns for gaining political and social acceptance of their sexuality. Lesbianism may simply indicate a preference for female companionship.
Women adopt the role of dominatrix as a male turn-on. But playing such a role is unlikely to provide a female turn-on nor does it assist with female orgasm. The biological female role is submissive to the dominant male. Men may want to adopt a submissive role with a woman because they fantasise about the woman taking the initiative and stimulating the man for a change. They may also like to imagine that her initiative indicates that she is sexually aroused but female arousal is much more obscure than this. Sexual activity of any kind is likely to involve some variant on domination.
[i] Although the male is frequently aroused without completing his response, he rarely engages in such activities as masturbation or coitus without proceeding to the point of orgasm. On the other hand, a consideration portion of the female’s sexual activity does not result in orgasm. (p45 Kinsey 1953)
Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)