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Women’s need for affection drives regular relationship sex

Sex is so much more rewarding for women when they feel affection for their lover. In the early days a man is more motivated to show his appreciation for a lover by being affectionate. In asking (implicitly or explicitly) for sex a man is asking for a favour. A woman’s affectionate response gives him the confidence to initiate sex. As the affection dies, sex becomes a mechanical exercise for a woman and a man finds it increasingly awkward [i] to suggest sex explicitly or to simply assume it’s on offer. So women’s need for affection drives regular sex within loving relationships.

Sex occurs much more easily in the early stages of a relationship because being affectionate with each other provides the most natural lead-in to sex. First a woman offers some affectionate interaction by touching or kissing her lover. Her lover communicates his desire by kissing back with passion, by touching the woman with an increased focus on the erogenous zones and by indicating his own arousal by pressing his groin against her body.

Some people suggest that couples who enjoy casual nudity are uninhibited. But a woman may avoid nudity if sex becomes focused on satisfying a man’s needs but fails to provide her with the affection she needs. Most usually women want intercourse when they are in love, in the early days of a romance. In this scenario lovemaking is an expression of their love but also it is only a small part of the quality time they spend with a lover.

A woman may instinctively want children but this desire is only indirectly related to sex by responding to a man’s initiative. Women engage in intimate relationships because of their need for affectionate companionship (that is sometimes combined with a desire for sexual activity). In the film ‘Born on the fourth of July’ (1989) playing a young man paralysed from the waist down, Tom Cruise asks “who is going to love me?” Men need sex. But a woman is devastated (not by the prospect of missing out on intercourse over decades but) by the fact that she will never be a mother!

Despite all evidence to the contrary men insist that women must ‘enjoy’ sex exactly as they do. But women do not obtain the same kind of comfort from sex. So women need time to develop the much deeper emotional attachment that helps them justify offering a man intercourse over decades.

If we all had men’s promiscuous instincts there would be no long-term relationships. Someone has to be tied into one person. A woman does this with no ‘sex drive’ at all! Quite something if you think about it! Women may be passive in a genital sense but they have a strong ‘emotional drive’.

[i] The male’s difficulties in his sexual relations after marriage include a lack of facility, of ease, or of suavity in establishing a rapport in a sexual situation. (p545 Kinsey 1948)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)

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