After fifty years of marriage one woman told me she had never been interested in men. Men tend to seek women out. Women don’t need sex but also they get affectionate companionship from girlfriends and their children. Men often overlook the wider relationship after decades together. [i]
There are many more men looking for casual sex. Consequently men cannot have sex nearly as easily as women can. So men look at porn in the absence of the real thing but why would a woman ever need porn? If they wanted to get laid, most women could find a willing partner easily enough!
The most common form of prostitution services straight men and the second most common services gay men (only 4% of the male population!). Prostitution is least common among gay women but even straight women pay male escorts for companionship rather than sex. Men pay for sex because (regardless of a relationship) sex provides them with a sense of emotional intimacy. Unfortunately it is not possible to buy the loving intimacy (based on respect and affection) women hope for when they love someone.
If a woman holds back on offering sex, a man (hopefully!) feels that something worthwhile has been ‘won’ when he gets it! A man is empowered by having made a ‘sexual conquest’ and in public he may be tempted to flaunt his success as ego. Penetrative sex reflects well on a man (who takes his pleasure) but not on a woman (who offers to pleasure her lover). Anyone who offers their body to a man does so because they hope not only that their lover will be grateful but also that he will respect them for the offer.
No wonder men have trouble understanding women! Men’s idea of bliss involves penetrating a vagina and thrusting for two minutes until ejaculation. Men’s gratitude, including their willingness to pay a woman’s way, indicate their implicit acceptance that they obtain a pleasure from sex that is not entirely reciprocated. Yet ego prevents men from admitting that sex involves women doing them any favours, which seems a little ungenerous!
Some men have an emotional need to justify the pleasure they obtain from a woman’s body especially in the context of a loving relationship. A man assumes a role of pleasuring a woman in order to differentiate himself from other men. He looks for personal validation as a lover. He wants a woman to acknowledge his ability to deliver pleasure through intercourse (primarily). This is what makes sex political. Naturally some women respond to this political and sexual pressure. Either some adults are incredibly unworldly or they are in denial of the facts they don’t wish to acknowledge.
[i] Considering the physical advantage which the married individual has in securing intercourse without going outside of his own home, it is apparent that the older single male develops skills in making social approaches … which far exceed the skills of married persons. (p269 Kinsey 1948)
Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)