Some people think that only women at home can provide the proper care of children but the truth is that the ‘mother at home’ cannot guarantee perfect parenting any more than working parents automatically qualify as bad parents.

The extended family environment where carers other than the mother take a part in rearing children is nothing new and can represent an equally valid approach to raising children. In the past children were routinely raised within larger families by older siblings and others. In fact it is the phenomenon of the dedicated care of the mother that is new to our generation.

As working parents, we have taught our children to be considerate and respectful to others, which has been vital when others have the daily care of our children. We believe that children with a sense of self-discipline are better prepared to develop relationships with others outside the family. Equally we have developed our children’s confidence so that they can enjoy being independent of the home from a young age. This has enabled them to make the most of the opportunities available to them.

‘Saying No’: in the first extract from her new book, child psychotherapist Asha Phillips explains why saying no is so crucial, and advises parents to set limits for their children. … There is no such thing as a perfect parent. The idea that one could see to a child’s every need and spare him every pain would, in fact, lead to an unhappy and maladapted child. It would not prepare him for a life in a world inhabited by others…” The Times newspaper Feb 17, 1999.

Sharing the home support role

The task of raising children can be much more enjoyable if the workload is shared with others, within an environment of practical and social support. Also the increased participation of fathers in the rearing of children should be welcomed as an additional benefit for our children. The home support role includes two distinct areas:

• Practical tasks to support family life including: providing meals and social support (school runs, friends & hobbies).
• Parenting essentials including: taking a ‘parental interest’ in children. These are aspects of parenting that are vital to raising happy and confident young people.

The practical tasks can be delegated to a third party, such as a child-care professional or housekeeper but the parenting essentials should ideally be provided by the parents and not necessarily just the mother.

Children can flourish in many different family environments (including single-parent families) as long as they get the attention from a caring adult that they need. Parents are only one source of adult input into children: child-care professionals, grandparents, teachers, family friends and neighbours can all have a positive influence.

“Working mothers are not a new phenomenon. Our great-grandmothers shopped, cooked, cleaned, washed and ironed for large families. They darned, mended, knitted, sewed, tended fires and sickbeds, and juggled with survival on tiny budgets. They probably had less time to interact with their children than mothers do today. Children always had to fit around their busy lives.” Dorothy Einon (psychologist and lecturer at University College, London) The Times newspaper Nov 9, 1998.