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Understanding men’s sexual and emotional needs

Male masturbation frequencies [i] vary significantly indicating not only a range in responsiveness but also the different conscious choices men make over how they enjoy their ‘arousal cycle’ from erection to ejaculation.

Sex is emotional for men because it connects them with women, family and society. Male mammals are often solitary creatures. They interact with other males in order to defend territory and with females in order to mate. Men tend not to share their thoughts and feelings as readily as women do. So we say that women are emotional and men are not. Yet some of us use aggression (an emotional behaviour) to express anger, frustration and fear.

When facing an enemy it is helpful if we can avoid being paralysed with fear or bursting into tears. We need to be able to channel any anger and apprehension we may feel into aggressive action. So aggression is considered a strength because it is an asset if we are facing a physical threat. Tears, on the other hand, are thought to be a sign of weakness. The accompanying emotional state can be debilitating. There is nothing wrong with having a good cry as long as you are not trying to save the world (which women are not designed to do). Crying is one way of venting our emotions.

A man tends to make a better aggressor and defender because his testosterone levels help him respond more effectively in high pressure situations. Testosterone impels men to take risks (some more than others obviously!). Overall men go for much higher stakes than women are willing to play for. Despite our modern and sophisticated weaponry, films still depict actors in arm-to-arm combat or wrestling. A hands-on fist fight expresses the emotions of a more personal form of combat. Men fight (and play sport) to help dissipate the tensions generated by their sex and personal drives.

Men can certainly be distracted by a beautiful woman. But it is only a distraction. They are much more concerned about the threat of another man. Men may insist that sex is vital to their welfare but their territorial instincts come first. Some put work before a relationship while others rate the comradeship and adrenaline rush of a sporting event over a sexual opportunity. Despite men’s sex drive it is usually women who make relationships work.

Males fight each other for breeding rights and they lose the opportunity to mate if they cannot beat rivals. Females mate with males who win rights over resources (to sustain a family) and who can protect them from other males. In human terms we observe that women tend to gravitate towards men who can provide protection and lifestyle through earnings or status.

[i] There are boys who never masturbate. There are boys who masturbate twice or thrice in a lifetime; and there are boys and older youths who masturbate two and three times a day, averaging 20 or more per week throughout periods of some years. (p238 – 239 Kinsey 1948)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)

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