Prostitutes, swingers and bluffers may talk nonchalantly about techniques for pleasuring a man. But women rarely refer to the turn-ons they use to achieve mental arousal with a lover.[i] This issue is vital to understanding why these orgasms are not reproducible by women who masturbate.
Misconception #5: Because of the male experience, it is incorrectly assumed that women are aroused at the start of sexual activity (both alone and with a lover). Men live in a permanent sexual fantasy. Women have to make a much more conscious decision to engage in erotic thoughts.
Women explain their orgasms with a lover by adopting the turn-ons of others. Some women say they are aroused as men are (by the body and genitals of a lover) and some say they use sexual fantasies with a lover.
If any woman could use fantasy with a lover it is much more likely to be women who masturbate (who are expert users of fantasy) than women who are justifying orgasms with a lover. Women who masturbate evidently do not succeed with transferring their masturbation techniques to sex otherwise no woman would ever ask about orgasm with a lover.
Surveys assume that every woman is an authority on orgasm regardless of the credibility of her explanations. Rather than apply subjective judgements to women’s accounts, researchers just accept them. Consequently, understanding of female sexuality is hampered by the courtesy we extend adults in polite society of accepting their opinion at face value.
By ignoring the research finding (that female orgasm is rare) women are encouraged to describe sex as orgasmic even though they may not have a responsiveness that makes orgasm possible. You could ask a million women about orgasm and you would get a million different answers. Women aren’t even as informed about sexual matters as men tend to be.
Young boys may orgasm spontaneously through wet dreams or with minimal stimulation. But adult men usually have to stimulate their penis to orgasm and they clearly associate sexual pleasure with erotic turn-ons.
There is so much political support for women who describe sex as orgasmic that they are advised to count even the slightest twinge as an orgasm. But most people who regularly seek to achieve orgasm do so because they enjoy it. Part of the quality aspect of orgasm is the psychological turn-ons that provide the mental arousal involved in sexual release.
[i] A considerable proportion of those males in our sample who had had the opportunity to observe other persons in sexual activity had responded sympathetically during their observation. The females who had had the opportunity to observe sexual activity rarely reported such sympathetic responses. (p661 Kinsey 1953)
Excerpt from Jane’s book Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (2013)