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Sexual techniques and exploring sex play with a lover

Men do not make ideal lovers of women. Not only do they orgasm too easily but men rarely appreciate either what drives women emotionally or how women stimulate themselves to orgasm. [i] Yet few couples ever discuss ways of improving their lovemaking. We assume that only older generations had an ‘under the covers’ approach to sex. But where are all the liberated couples today willing to discuss the sexual activities that help them bring variety to their sex life? Most people think of sex as a personal and emotional experience rather than as a set of sexual techniques.

The tiny minority who has an active interest in sex often assumes that everyone is sexually insatiable. As if we all think about sex in the same way. But we don’t. Nor should we in a healthy and balanced society. Some people are much more sexually active and responsive than others. In a competitive world ‘more’ is always equated with ‘better’. Yet there is no evidence that the highly-sexed are any happier than those with low sex drives.

There is no such thing as ‘normal’. Neither is it ‘ideal’ for us to have an ‘average’ sex drive any more than there is a disadvantage in having a low or a high drive. We are naturally satisfied according to our sexual appetite.

In the early years of a relationship, hopefully passion leaves little room for discussion! And for many couples, sex remains an implicit part of their relationship they never discuss. Other couples find it helpful over time to take a more explicit approach to sexual pleasuring. Heterosexuals tend to default to intercourse-to-male-orgasm so exploring other sexual techniques involves effort, trust and an investment in communication.

Every single orgasm I have ever had, regardless of whether I am alone or with a lover, involves lying on my front with my eyes closed. While masturbating my intense focus on fantasy provides a sense of sexual release quite different to climax with a lover, which takes longer. With a lover I need to focus on the sensations of being penetrated (anal intercourse combined with clitoral stimulation). Fisting stimulates the vestibule of the vagina and may provide a woman with a unique kind of climax. I masturbate by moving my hips rhythmically but with a lover I lie relatively still.

It is, of course, the height of pretension to recommend sexual techniques to complete strangers. If a woman hopes to benefit from my conclusions she will need to identify with my experiences including discovering her own arousal through fantasies and her own orgasm through masturbation. Couples need a strong relationship to discuss sexual preferences openly.

[i] Many males, however, basing their concepts on their understanding of coitus and upon their conceit as to the importance of the male genitalia in coitus, imagine that all female masturbation must involve an insertion of fingers or of some other object into the depths of the vagina. (p162 Kinsey 1953)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)

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