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Proposing and planning sex sessions, providing sex talk

Couples have intercourse between two and four times a week when young but this drops to about once a week by age forty. [i] When a man has a new lover the novelty makes sex more exciting for a while but gradually he falls back to having intercourse with similar frequencies as before. So the decrease in activity over time is due to aging rather than to tiring of a lover.

We assume that people become less sexually active as they age in the same way that they become physically less active. This is not so. Only men’s responsiveness reduces with age. Female responsiveness (which is always lower than men’s) changes little as women age. So couples have intercourse less frequently over time because of the decline in male sex drive.

Some women say they stop having orgasms. But you cannot forget how to orgasm! Women’s sexual behaviours involve making conscious effort (to varying degrees) to provide a (simulated erotic) response to intercourse. This explains why women lose interest in intercourse over time but their true responsiveness through masturbation does not reduce as they age.

By providing turn-ons women make money, have fun, satisfy their vanity and find a mate! But men are confused when women appear to want sex but don’t. Even with a positive attitude towards eroticism a woman is much less driven by sexual opportunities because of her lower responsiveness. A woman’s amenability to sex play depends on the pleasure she enjoys.

It’s important to differentiate between a woman’s possible states of mind. She may be totally switched off. In which case forget it! She may be up for a ‘quickie’. In which case go for it! Or she may be willing to engage in a longer sex session based on, occasionally mutual pleasuring, but more typically being pleasured by a lover. Be grateful and make the most of it!

Planning sex sessions ahead a little helps get the female brain in the mood for sexual pleasuring. Start a sex session with a relaxing bath followed by a massage for the woman. I like my lover to admire my body and talk about what he would like to do to me. My fantasies focus on a man wanting to penetrate me. Women’s fantasises often revolve around men’s sex drive.

Tell her what you are thinking as you stimulate her from behind! I advise talking in terms of urges, domination and possession rather than the graphic visual detail that men enjoy. I like my lover to stroke the area between my thighs (from clitoris through to anus). I like him to hold my butt cheeks apart both before and as he penetrates me. I want him to use a hand to hold me firmly down as he dominates me (only with my permission!).

[i] Males who are married between 16 and 20 start with frequencies (of intercourse) which average 3.9 (times per week) for the population as a whole… Frequencies drop steadily from the teens to about 2.9 at age 30, 1.8 at age 50, and to 0.9 at age 60. (p569 Kinsey 1948)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)

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