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Some men focus on male orgasm and their own pleasure

The men with the highest overall orgasm frequencies throughout their lives are the less educated (those who are not educated beyond high school). [i]

Some men focus on enjoying their own responsiveness rather than a lover’s arousal. Their self-absorption makes them relatively oblivious to a lover’s perspective, who is relieved of any need to exaggerate her arousal. This behaviour is slightly more typical of those who are less educated. They lack the sensitivity of the college boys. Rather than look for some sign that a woman is aroused, they just assume she is and get on with it!

Some men (perhaps the majority) are interested foremost in a woman’s physical appearance and her sexual willingness. They may enjoy casual sex for the opportunity to experience first-hand the variation in the genital anatomy and physical responses of a new partner. They may appreciate exploring new techniques and approaches to sex play. Men respond most readily to sexual activity with a lover. So it makes sense that less educated men (who masturbate less but have intercourse more) have more orgasms.

Sex manuals suggest that a man should offer foreplay before heading for his own orgasm through intercourse. But as Kinsey noted decades ago, foreplay appears to make very little difference to women’s arousal levels.

In the film ‘The Holiday’ (2006) Jude Law plays an inebriated Englishman who begs a sofa for the night from a stranger, an American (Cameron Diaz). We know we are watching a movie because no one is this explicit even when it’s not the first time! She breaks the ice by admitting “I should warn you … I’m not very good at this … sex!” At which he ventures with unreal frankness: “How do you feel about foreplay?” Relieving him of any obligation she says: “I think it’s overrated … significantly overrated.”

Men tell me that none of their lovers has ever had a problem with orgasm. But if you ask them what pleasuring or erotic turn-ons their partners enjoy they have no answer. A man in his sixties said “unless the women I have known persistently, consistently and convincingly lied about what they were experiencing then I don’t believe the problem is as widespread as you clearly do”. He refused to discuss the subject further. Yet this man had a string of ex-wives each of whom had taken a share of his assets. A woman lets a man believe his fantasy of arousing her through intercourse because intercourse involves minimal effort for her. Naturally women are also silent on this topic, thereby creating an implicit lovers’ pact with sexual ego on one side and a desire for a supportive relationship on the other.

[i] Among single males, at all ages … the highest total outlets are found among those boys who go into high school but never beyond. (p335 Kinsey 1948)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Sexuality & Sexual Techniques (2015)

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