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Arousal mechanisms are not unique to one lover

Mental turn-ons (both fantasies and fetishes) are abstract concepts and objects. They are not personalised or limited to one individual. So if a man finds the female breast to be an ‘object of desire’ then potentially he can be aroused by the breasts of any woman (not just those of his lover).

Likewise if a woman was aroused (to the point of orgasm) by her lover’s penis[i] then she would be aroused by the penises of other attractive men.

Women would be just as tempted by promiscuity (the opportunity to enjoy sexual activity and genital stimulation with a lover) as men often are.

We love someone because we care about them. But men are turned on by women in general because they are aroused by their bodies, their genitals and sexual attributes. So a man can love one woman but still get turned on by other women. This is simply the way psychological arousal works.

Sexual arousal relies on seeing a person, at least to some degree, as an object of desire. Men are able to love a partner and still view them as a ‘sex object’ with sexual attributes. But even men are not usually aroused by a relative because of the emotional significance of the relationship.

A man can be aroused by another person, either by appreciating their sexual attributes or from thinking about sexual activity with them but ultimately it is his own responses to those stimuli that cause his orgasm.

For example, even a stunning woman cannot cause a gay man to orgasm. Her nudity and her willingness to stimulate him may assist with a heterosexual man’s orgasm but he still needs to be aroused in his own mind.

Women often refuse to divulge turn-ons implying a loyalty to the perceived accomplishment of their lover. A lover provides physical stimulation but cannot determine the mental turn-ons that cause us to orgasm.

A woman does not orgasm spontaneously. It is more about immersing herself in a sexual fantasy that provides the arousal she needs for orgasm.

The use of fantasy produces a sense of release including an increased heart-beat and heavy breathing culminating in waves of relaxation.

Fantasy is a mechanism a woman uses to focus on a more psychological view of sex by being the object of male sex drive. Women use fictitious men in their fantasies who can be depersonalised and made into ‘sex objects’ to be used for arousal rather than beings with their own needs.

[i] Most females seem to derive no particular satisfaction from their manipulations of the male. (p256 Kinsey 1953)

Excerpt from Jane’s book Women’s Sexual Behaviours & Responses (2013)

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