When we embarked on family life my partner and I both continued with our careers, cared for three children with the help of nannies and even kept a marriage going. Our sanity might be doubtful but we have survived in the technical sense. Needless to say it was not easy and doubtless we could have done better than we did. Nosper.com tells the story of how, as a couple, we went about organising our family so that we could both work full-time and still raise a family together.
I have written about my experiences in the hope that other women will identify with my struggle to achieve some of my hopes and dreams. Overall, I have probably made as much of a mess of things as the next person. I have not been a model for others but I have perhaps persevered where someone else might, quite reasonably, have given up. I have struggled where others have sensibly accepted their lot and decided to move on.
I read a great deal as I was growing up and books often portray ideals rather than reality. Other women told me that they had always assumed that women had to make a choice between career and family. What planet did I grow up on that led me to think I could attempt both? I suppose I was more taken in than most by the sexual revolution. I aspired to career and financial independence but I did not see why I could not have family as well.
If a man can be independent of the home, work towards his own ambitions and still have a family, why should a woman not do the same? This vision of mine was not based on anyone I knew. I had no examples of couples who had worked and managed a family at the same time. This did not stop me. I launched into family life with a readiness to try out different childcare options until I found the one that worked. I was ambitious for myself but at the same time fiercely protective of my children.
When I started out, I seemed to be surrounded by women who had never even attempted to continue working when they had children. They confidently informed me that I would feel differently when the baby arrived. It seemed as if everyone was convinced that there was no way a woman could balance work and family. Luckily during my first pregnancy I was working with a confident working mother (ironically from India) who had always worked.
Now I think I appreciate the significance of what everyone was trying to tell me. It is possible to have children and for both parents to work but it’s not always completely straightforward for everyone. Some people are lucky: one or both parents live near work or do less stressful jobs, they have a grandparent or other relative nearby to help in emergencies, one parent (usually the mother) is happy to take a break from work when the children are very small or work part-time so that they can cover school runs and holidays.
I always wanted to be able to ensure the best for the family whatever the state of my relationship with my partner. I saw the ability to earn money as being a key part of being an adult and I was proud to be able to provide the family with opportunities. Despite the hard work for both of us, I have gained tremendous fulfilment from having a family and continuing to work in challenging full-time employment. I have had a great sense of personal achievement from continuing to use my intellect and talents. I have really appreciated being able to have children and continue to work.
But at the end of it all I have to ask: is this really what society intends? It seems crazy to me that women face this modern dilemma. We either have to give up everything for the family or ask our families to live a constant juggling act that gives no one quality of life.